Scooby Doo taught me that if you smoke enough pot, your dog will talk and help you get snacks.
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Sup girl, I hear u like bad boys
*I open the wrong side of juice carton*
*evil spirit flies out*
Oh, so that’s why they say don’t do that
H: Gross! Stop peeing in the shower!
Me: Why? Everybody pees in the shower.
H: Yeah but you’re not in it right now, I am.
[white house staff meeting]
Obama: Any questions?
*Biden raises hand*
Obama: Spongebob is yellow Joe.
*Biden returns to coloring book*
*plays Rocky theme song*
*cracks 5 raw eggs into glass and gulps them down*
*vomits on kitchen floor*
*turns off music*
*cleans kitchen*
if zombies drank more water their skin would look way healthier than that.
Ya I am too Dave it’s nothing to be proud of
dog: i want to go to up to the stars with you
astronaut: space is a vacuum
dog: i’ll see you when you get back
Barista: That will be $8.00.
Me: Sure. *walks out with the napkin dispenser and an entire bucket of Splenda*
I’m watching two crows fight over a toothbrush. Crows don’t even have teeth, it’s just capitalism making them want things they don’t need
A family of crows flying into a windmill is a murder suicide
I think we should have a suggestion box at work but there’s no way for me to bring it up.
how to fall down a long set of stairs:
step 1) step 1
step 2) step 3
step 3) step 7
step 4) step 10
step 5) step 15
step 6) step 26
My husband and I talked about getting a divorce, but neither one of us wants the kids.
Recent studies show that eating bacon or other red meats increases your chances of dying by 20%
So apparently I have a 120% chance of dying
* nudges wife gently awake at 2 AM
I think my Captain America shield comes today.
Are there a lot of abbreviations for Maine or is it just ME?
Guys, if you want to make a girl moan, tremble, and scream: be a spider.
covid spelled backwards is devil. Don’t look just take my word for it.
3 has started saying “actually,” so now I have a tiny reply guy following me around all day
I know I’m not great at math, but I just can’t figure out how to 28 packs of fruit snacks are gone in 2.5 days when the kids say they “barely ate any.”
I have decided to boycott the Plague due to its poor customer service.
Thank god that racist basketball guy showed up or we’d still be talking about how we’re not finding that airplane.
At bedtime I read my daughter a few of my favorite RTs, tuck her in & whisper, “This is why we don’t talk to strangers on the internet.”
I think Schrödinger would’ve really liked the microwave.
Never underestimate the power of karate to save a marriage.
4th of July Pro Tip: If you’re looking for quality, never buy fireworks from a guy with more than seven fingers.
I want to see Taylor Swift and Rupi Kaur fight each other.
If simply wrinkling my nose at your smell is politer than spraying you head to foot with Febreze then so be it.
Not happy but so be it.
Any job that calls u a rockstar just know they’re underpaying u
My doctor wants me to take a stress test.
I should pass with flying colors. I’ve been studying for this my whole life.