Always…
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Her: You like shopping?
Me: Oh god yes!
Her: What’s your favorite place?
Me: The grocery store. There is a whole aisle of just cheese!
Cop: Ma’am, I pulled you over today because you were going 45 in a 35 mile zone.
Me: I’ve been driving 45 on this road for ten years and I’ve never gotten a ticket.
(Silence) You’re going to give me a ticket, aren’t you?
Cop: I kinda think I have to now.
Unlike smoking, vaping doesn’t reduce your sex drive. It just reduces the sex drive of the people who see you vaping.
I put my pants on just like everyone else: while screaming obscenities at my pants butler
When a crab dies does it become a ghost in the shell
Me: If I were you, I’d confront your boss
Friend: You would?
Me: I wouldn’t. If I were you, I would. If it were me, I’d do what you’re doing
You know who the biggest gaslighters are? Toddlers. Today I saw my kid dump some flour on the floor and when I told her to clean it up she said “umm, I did not do that”
my dodgeball record is now up to 65-0 against my 5 and 6 year old.
Apparently telling your spouse “we’re going down” as you wake them up from their nap as the plane is landing is not appreciated. Oops
The first rule of Hide a Vegetable in a Sentence Club is always be true to yourself.
Woman in Target said she just noticed the “e” and always thought it was called Clarence sale
Me: You’re a cat person aren’t you?
Her: [Completely ignores me]
Me: Knew it!
20s: Sure, I’ll take the floor.
30s: The floor? No. But I’ll sleep on the couch.
40s: What thread count are your sheets?
i can’t believe adam and eve had to leave the garden of eden over an apple. if it were a better fruit like a mango or a peach I would understand but an apple?
The only running I do is to the microwave to catch the beep before the dog hears it go off
So I just watched Contagion and tbh, if they had watched the end of the film first, they could have saved a lot of lives.
Wife: Please stop telling people you bought me on eBay. It’s not funny
[Later]
Them: So how did you two meet?
Me: I did NOT buy her on eBay
To avoid taking down my Christmas lights, I’m making my house into an Italian restaurant.
Nigella has gone too far this time.
[grandma’s house]
Little Red Riding Hood: Are you going to eat me?
Wolf: I just want my hoodie back.
I think nervous flatulence would be helpful if you were ever kidnapped
using only lowercase letters so everyone knows my stance on capitalism
It’s going to take 14 years to put Harriet on the $20? I’ve got a friend in Chesterfield Square who can print some off in an hour..
Sometimes I really want to throw paper at people. Brick shaped Paper. Made of brick.
I love raccoons. Part cat. Part dog. Part rodent. Part bear. Little people hands. What’s not to like?
*struts into the new year
~ trips
*watching John Wick*
Ugh, 222 stairs would be difficult enough without fifty guys trying to kill me
Crocodile: “See ya later alligator.”
Alligator: “yeah, I don’t do that anymore Jeff.”
*sharing a box of cereal with the cat*
Me: Frosted Lucky Charms
Cat: They’re magically deliciOH, uh MEOW
DATING TIP: IF YOU EAT A MAGNET AND SLIP ANOTHER MAGNET INTO YOUR DATE’S DINNER SHE’LL NEVER BE ABLE TO LEAVE YOU