Why don’t they make Neapolitan ice cream but with 3 better flavors?
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You know you’re getting old when your decision to sleep with someone is mostly based on the quality of their mattress and pillows.
“The following program is intended for mature audiences only”
Me: *leaves room
Real friends don’t put their babies on the phone to talk to you
“Are you religious?”
Bro I don’t even believe in myself
got kicked out of another gang for bringing spinach casserole to the trap house
My doctor wants me to take a stress test.
I should pass with flying colors. I’ve been studying for this my whole life.
If I ever disappear and my family notices that my house is clean, they will know for sure I was murdered and someone had to clean up the crime scene.
Miss 10 is making her bed upstairs.
[Sound of sellotape ripping]
Nice try, poison.
(meeting the queen without knowing who she is)
Well, aren’t you a fancy little lady! Is today your birthday?
Accidentally went on a tiger date instead of a tinder date and it was way better because whether she swipes left or swipes right I still die
Who exactly is this sign for?
Do they think we’re bringing our own geese?
I AM NOT REALLY YELLING AT YOU I JUST GOT USED TO TALKING TO MY TEENAGER WHO ALWAYS HAS HEADPHONES IN
One of the reasons I had to retire early is because I ran out family members that died excuses for not coming in to work.
If the person driving right in front of me comes to a complete stop at a stop sign, I’m like “that was enough for the both of us.”
If you see my kid on zoom in the same clothes he’s been wearing the past five days mind your business our homeschool has a uniform.
My favorite thing about teaching high school is when a student turns something in a week late and then emails two hours later because I haven’t graded it yet. It’s great.
some tweets get big favs but no RTs. why? [camera pans to dog in lab coat high up on a distant ledge. we’re too far away to hear his answer]
If you’re happy and you know it, clap your hands. There’s nothing more endearing than happy people applauding themselves.
*manager storms backstage* Kandi, your twerk looks like the first signs of Parkinson’s. Foxxxy, you couldn’t get a Werther’s Original hard.
I would never yell at my kids. In public. Without a good reason. More than three times in a row. Per child.
“conference” comes from the Latin “con” meaning “together with” and “ference” meaning “the worst people on earth”
my wife’s divorce lawyer: why don’t we just get them to arm wrestle?
me whispering to my lawyer: do something
I love that sexy thing you do, what’s it called again? Oh yeah, me.
*Paranormal Factivity*
[I walk into my bathroom]
“OH MY GOD”
[‘WHALES ARE ACTUALLY MAMMALS’ is written in blood on the mirror]
I named my third child Pi, because having that many kids seemed irrational.
Him: You can’t give the cat treats right after he tripped me on the stairs. He’ll think it’s a reward.
Me: It is.
cop: could you please describe the man who tried to kill you
me: yeah he was not nice
I need you to fill my water bowl but I’m also going to stand directly in your path and trip you 7 times before you can get to the sink.
– Dogs
Saw this crow emerge from a dumpster with two-thirds of a whole bagel, and the other crows stopped like they’d seen someone pull the sword from the stone. Gonna ask if they need Merlin.