Yes, yes, his usual hard boiled egg cut, please.
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Got the invite to your wedding. Thanks! Sadly, your blatant overuse of illegible, ornate script fonts means I don’t know when or where it is
I want to die from natural causes like being murdered by a sunset.
If you startle me, I blow up like a puffer fish and roll away.
Just ate potatoes so good I finally understand the centuries of warfare between England and Ireland. The English wanted their potatoes.
Parenting tip: From day one never cut a crust off a sandwich; your kids won’t know there’s any other way. Stay lazy, my friends.
Naked and Afraid,
but it’s just me staring down a spider in the shower.
[watching Boogie Nights]
age 19: OMG Rollergirl is sexy.
age 37: OMG wearing rollerskates during sex is dangerous. How is she still alive?
Hot tip for dog owners:
Be on the lookout for “whale eyes.” If your dog has whale eyes, this is BAD SIGN. That is not your dog, it is a whale pretending to be your dog and you are in IMMEDIATE DANGER
Maybe she’s boing with it. Maybe it’s trampoline.
God saw you put ketchup on your steak and He is NOT happy.
I don’t drink water anymore, not after what it did to the Grand Canyon
“When does he start playing the mandolin?”
– me, watching The Mandalorian
Had sex with a condom tonight.
Maybe next time it will be with a girl.
A good way to get out of a conversation is to take off one of your socks and hand it to the person talking.
Ever had a dream with someone in it who didn’t quite make sense? They were in your life, but not on a dream level? Like, I don’t know why I’m drowning in this car submerged in a lake, but I especially don’t know why I’m doing it with you, girl from my junior year sociology class.
Put my fitted sheet and duvet cover in the washing machine for a death match to see which one swallows the other.
A Jehovah’s Witness followed me.
I think I’ll send him a lot of unsolicited DMs with knock-knock jokes…
I could be in a store desperately looking for gauze to treat a knife wound and I’d still tell a clerk that approached me I was just browsing
i made a craigslist ad !
*in a Chinese restaurant*
Who is the manager?
“No, Ji is the manager, Hu is the owner”
How should I know? You’re the one who works here
*Approaches a guy reading “Catch Me If You Can”*
I love that book. The way he just *clenches fist* catches all those freakin’ cans.
ME: OMG did I just get a shout-out on the radio?
GETAWAY DRIVER: [turning off police scanner] Kinda
Get married so when you pour your heart out, someone is always there to say, ‘what?’
Ugh I hate being a celeb my fans are always asking me “when is your next rent check going to drop?” & “when can we expect you to pay us back for covering your rent last month?” It’s like respect my privacy please.
To the woman who just honked at me to leave this parking spot, I suddenly have dozens of urgent emails to respond to.
I like to have gps trackers on my kids just to make sure they’re not home.
Once I’ve made up my mind about something, there’s no stopping me
from second guessing myself.
Good morning, here are some ABBA songs that could also be about Mario:
• Mamma Mia
• Money, Money, Money
• Super Trooper
• Name of the Game
• I’ve Been Waiting For You
• The Winner Takes It AllPlease let me know if there are any more.
Going to church doesn’t necessarily make you a nice person… It does, however, make you sleepy.
When you go to therapy they should get to ask three people in your life what your problem is before you start.