Did you really get a crocodile tattooed around your belly button?
-IT’S AN ALLIGATOR KAREN. GOD YOU’RE SUCH AN IDIOT.
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Why are there no owls here? I WAS LEAD TO BELIEVE THERE WOULD BE OWLS HERE!
#hooters
You can’t offend me I have teenagers.
Apparently hospitals are not the best place to start unplugging things so you can charge your iPhone.
How about a child exchange programme where if your kid is being annoying you can just swap them with someone else’s vodka?
People are like plastic bags: Some are meant to fly, some have holes — but are still useful — and, well, others are full of dog shit.
I can’t stop laughing at this photo my friend posted of an iguana eating her guacamole at a resort in Cabo. It brings me such joy. And the people looking on with horror/laughter are the chef’s kiss.
I saved a ton of money on a security system by hanging a bunch of shitty wind chimes through out my house.
Yesterday, I passed a beautifully remodeled ranch home with an adorable front porch and one of those country chic wooden board signs beside the front door with vertical letters saying:
G
O
A
W
A
YAnd I am here for that energy.
[i arrive in hell]
Satan: welcome
Me: thanks what’s with the fork lol
Satan: it’s a pitchfork shut up
Me: ooo i’m so scared what are u gonna do eat a big salad lmao
Satan:
Me:
Satan:
[i arrive in super hell]
Leap years mean nothing when you have bad knees.
“Honey, can you bring me a
roll of toilet paper?”Toilet paper- “I have a boyfriend”
KILLER: I’M GONNA CATCH YOU
ME: YOU’LL NEVER CA- [stops running to pet a dog]
First day of our road trip going well. My husband made an itinerary showing the first scheduled stop at a Love’s gas station 275 miles away. What my husband forgot: I have physically birthed 4 children.
#TopTip
Surprise your girlfriend at work by wearing a ski mask and taking everyone hostage
If you love something keep it in the refrigerator, keep it fresh, that thing you love is a lot like mayonnaise.
English is crazy we’ve got silent g’s, p’s, h’s, mimes, c’s… where does the madness stop?
grandmas be like imma stay for a few days and reset your children back to factory settings
AC changed “dies slow death” to “does slow death” and that actually feels more on point
Immediately pulled out of any TV show if there’s a bookcase in the background. “Why do they have two copies of Twilight Eclipse!?” I yell at my wife as she Googles divorce lawyers…
It finally happened.
After living here 11 years, my neighbors finally caught me outside and introduced themselves.
You can learn a lot about your kids by simply turning off the TV and talking. For example I discovered that mine are really boring.
Make *almost* everyone want to murder you by talking to yourself.
Make *everyone* want to murder you by sing-talking to yourself.
if you’ve ever wanted to know what a violent mugging feels like, i’d highly recommend inviting my friends & their 2 toddlers over for dinner one night.
Has anyone tried changing 2020 from dark mode back to light mode?
Until you’ve tried to start a conga line at a funeral, don’t tell me about your drinking problem.
Nextdoor is Twitter for old people. 🧐
water baby: when i grow up, i wanna be the ocean
water dad: with your grades, you’ll be lucky if you end up as dasani
90% of owning a dog is telling it to stop barking.
The first rule of Swim Club is don’t talk about Swim Club for at least 30 minutes after eating.