Women on Twitter who boast about the crumbs they catch in their bras have no idea how much food I can carry around in my turban.
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If a group of lions is called a pride, then a group of humans should be called an embarrassment.
batman: i caught the penguin
judge: bail is set for $0
batman: isn’t he a flight risk?
judge:
batman: oh right
You hear the words “gamer girl bath water” and suddenly you all know what a bath is
My dating profile just says, “High risk, high reward”.
My son is at that tender age where he believes me when I say that the dog ate the rest of the cookies out of the pantry.
How do dragons blow out candles?
A model citizen is just like a regular citizen that doesn’t eat.
IF THEY’RE THE GREATEST GENERATION WHY CAN’T EITHER OF MY PARENTS REMEMBER THEIR FACEBOOK PASSWORDS?!
Can I put on a tinder account that I’ve never lost at Wordle, or is that too hot?
Kanye West builds a time machine so he can interrupt himself interrupting Taylor Swift.
When I was kid the internet was called Encyclopedia Britannica
I deserve a reward for backing out of my driveway without hitting one blade of grass, a sprinkler head, or a small tree.
Kids won’t remember they have homework but they’ll remember you promised them Robux if they did their chores for the whole month
Welcome to 50, where your body says no to you far more than you have the energy to say it to your kids.
I caught my husband eating the last of the ice cream last night. First of all, we are supposed to be dieting together. Second of all, I was going to eat that.
@hadafewbeers @funTweeters 92 just broke a hip! 🎉
Me: If I can stick to schedule I can get everything done just in time
Toddler: I WANNA HELP!
I don’t like it when my phone puts a word in “quotals” like I made it up or I’m stupid or something.
A new house isn’t a home until you’ve let a bag of salad die in the fridge
My wife and I decided to tell each other one thing about the other that bothered them. Everything was going great until it was my turn.
Well well well, if it isn’t the guy from the cloud shapes in the sky…
Using spin moves while allowing an opponent’s sword to narrowly miss your head forces them to add majestic layers and volume to your hair.
Last week I had a dream and the only thing I remembered about the dream was a poster on a wall so I made the poster and put it on a wall and it was the fastest I have ever made a dream come true and it felt exhilarating like I had solved a mystery.
How am I supposed to sleep now that I’ve realized 125 people have watched a video of me drunkenly making nachos?
…. And they didn’t even like it.
If you give your opinion while cleaning a pair of reading glasses people will think you know what you’re talking about.
*works from home*
*files claim for hostile work environment*
Stop putting cauliflower where there once was something delicious.
Me: I’d like to withdraw some daylight from my savings please
Bank: sorry no
Me: look I’ve been inside for 8 weeks now, there must be *something* in there
Bank: ok thats not really how this works
Me: omg this is daylight robbery
me: no shoes in the house
murderer: sorry
Interviewer: what makes you qualified for the janitor position?
Me: I used to be on the curling team in college.