[asteroid destroys earth]
God: *wakes up* hey I was WATCHING that
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Mum was fed up of the squirrels stealing all the bird food so she greased the feeder!
Sometimes even letting your kids watch age-appropriate shows is a big mistake. Showed my kids The Flintstones, and my youngest asked what it was like living with a dinosaur. My 5-year-old pointed at the Flintmobile and said, “is that why your feet look like that?”
To save a bit of money on e-cigarettes I’ve started to roll my own batteries.
[packing for work trip]
“Honey, where is our business ketchup?”
Someone in my neighborhood is cooking bacon and now I’m wondering if I should have been more friendly to my neighbors for the last 18 years.
When you have the opportunity to become a bigger person, take it because cake is delicious.
The fortune teller flips over the tarot card and looks confused.
You lean forward to sneak a glance. “Is— Is that a flaming dumpster?” you ask nervously.
me: [a rest stop designer] this is the tile I want for the bathrooms that are always out of order
me: *after aceing my finals* that was easier than giving candy to a baby
them: don’t you mean taking candy from a baby
me: why would I take candy from a baby, you monster
It’s not every day Woody Harreslon writes your daughter a poem 🥹
mom: you’re grounded
me: i can’t wait until i’m an adult and no one can do that to me
[20 years later]
amazon: your package will arrive between 8am and 6pm
me: *easily carrying 20 grocery bags* hi 😉
her: are those empty
Better to have loved & lost than to have never loved at all; but if going spelunking was your idea, you should at least *try* to find her.
You ever released wind at the bank and accidentally deposited loose change?
Sure I collect antiques, if you count the late-century spices in my pantry.
[sex in car]
ME: Remember when you could do this without fear of strangers watching?
BF: Yes
UBER DRIVER: Would you like a water?
the highest compliment is someone asking for ur soup recipe and the highest ego swell is telling them there isn’t one
Her: WHAT ARE YOU DOING?!
Me: *puts naked Barbie away.
‘It’s not VooDoo if that’s what you think!
Her:Freak!
Me:Did you feel–anything?
Uber is great because it gives me an opportunity to talk down to people that have nicer cars than me.
Sometimes I loiter outside of Victoria’s Secret just so people think I have a girlfriend.
[emergency]
[super hero appears]
GUY: It’s Doesn’t-Understand-Rhetorical-Questions Man. Boy, am I glad to see you!
HERO: I…I don’t know
Finally getting around to calling all those kids that wrote in my middle school yearbook, “We should hang out this summer.”
It’s never been safer to eat the rich, at least you know they’re getting tested regularly
Just found out I’ve been drinking straight up cold brew concentrate that’s supposed to be diluted 4 parts to 1, and now I know why I’ve been able to feel my scalp for the last month
imagine how angry bear grylls’ wife would be if he didn’t like what she cooked for dinner
Me: I don’t think this YouTube video is appropriate.
5-year-old: If you’re scared, I can watch by myself.
So #Scaramucci lands a job, gets his boss fired, has a baby, gets a divorce, and is fired in the same week? Sounds like a Seinfeld episode.
ME: how long will it take to remodel my house?
CONTRACTOR: only about 2 months
[9 years later]
CONTRACTOR: ok so we’ve installed 1 stair
My kids can be difficult sometimes, but my mom always assures me that I deserve it.
Last night I read that it takes people an average of 7 minutes to fall asleep. And then I laid awake the entire night thinking about that.