interviewer: it says here u have a number of skills
me: yes, that number is zero
You Might Also Like
When asked by the creepy guy at the bar “Why aren’t you smiling?” my go-to answer is always “My yeast infection really is bubbling up.”
You know you’re a real a&&**** when you go in for a colonoscopy and come out with a sore throat.
If you pull out a knife and start sharpening it, people soon stop telling you about their plans for Valentine’s Day.
Scientists use dead bodies? Jesus, I know they’re nerds but they should still be able to make living friends.
Smooth Criminal: I use a razor
Smoother Criminal: I get laser treatments
Smoothest Criminal: *it’s just an Asian guy laughing at them both*
Her: What’s this new hair stuff?
Me: Just For Men.
Her: Let me try some.
Me: But Honey, it says Just For M-
Her: Pfffft, what are they gonna do, arrest me?[faint sound of distant sirens growing louder]
The biggest lie I learned in school was that women reach their sexual peak at 40. All 40yo me wants is to scroll my phone and eat my bowl of mashed potatoes
It’s 11:48 PM. You can’t sleep. Underneath your bed, there’s a creepy rustle, as the clown tries to quietly unwrap and eat a granola bar.
Preparation, pacing, and focus are the keys to success.
Star Wars (1977, PG) a group of terrorists enlist the aid of a drug smuggler and a religious fanatic to bomb the seat of governmental power.
How do I rate our solar system?
One star
CW: Why don’t you ever wear your hair down?
Me: It makes me look approachable.
CW: So?
Me: I don’t want to encourage that.
*7 yr old talks about red dwarfs and neutron stars for 40 minutes straight*
My mom: Wow, that’s amazing. So are you going to be an astronaut when you grow up?
7, incredulously: No, I’m going to be a ninja.
Apparently saying “Alexa: skip” during my wife’s story is rude
My husband got barbecue sauce on my mom’s favorite white tablecloth. For five whole minutes I wasn’t the biggest disappointment in her life.
I never believed in having a life coach until my 4yo advised me that I should always carry a spare pizza under my hat.
whenever i eat at a restaurant i make sure to sit with my back to the wall facing the door, that way if a dracula comes in i can kill myself before things get too scary
If there’s one thing that makes me want to throw up, it’s a dartboard on the ceiling.
If I cared about being judged by a stranger, I’d be religious.
YOU: Do you have any healthy snacks in this house?
ME: I donut
Found this cool rock on a hike today so I brought it home
When I cut my nails in the yard outside, I wonder if the ants really appreciate the giant tusk weapons I’m giving them for their battles…
The doctor holds the stethoscope against my chest and frowns. Perhaps I should not have eaten all those bees.
My little girl buried a 25 cents and said she’s growing a money tree.
I laughed but secretly water it every day just in case..
“Give me your hand!”
“But-“
“You’re gonna have to trust me!”
My wife has hidden my new lion tamer outfit because apparently I’m “just being stupid”.
Well she’ll be the one who looks stupid once our new lion arrives.
[first date]
Me: *don’t let him know you’re the Mona Lisa*
Him: You look nice tonight
Me: *smiles ambiguously*
My toddler had a meltdown at bedtime because her pajamas were “too comfortable.”
It’s a rough life.
I’m literally typing this from atop a giraffe in Ghana. Her name is Coriander & we love each other.
Cop *pulling me over*: alright, is there anything I should know about?
Me: heart attack symptoms of men and women differ a lot. Men have chest pain while women mostly feel nauseous
Cop: awesome, see, I didn’t know that. Have a nice day