You can take all the daylight you saved & stick it where the sun don’t shine.
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Me: Do you have any books on paranoia?
Librarian : They’re right behind you.
scary then: a phone call came from inside the house
scary now: a phone call
If you didn’t want me to object to this wedding maybe you shouldn’t have had a cash bar
[creation of kangaroo]
God: give that bouncy dog a fanny pack
Angel: *hands bouncy dog a fanny pack*
God: no no like build it into its stomach hahaha
Angel: again with this shit
There are innumerable mental health benefits of spending time in nature, but that doesn’t mean coming into the forest and screaming “fix my life” at the trees.
Commercial for elbows:
A frustrated man steers his car with totally straight arms. “Why did I go with the cheap arms?!”
Narrator: “Elbows”
I don’t invite ppl in bc that’s how vampire dens come about.
got kicked out of family thanksgiving again for saying “mm that’s fergalicious” after every bite
“Lets all start wearing weird ’90s mom jeans!” – girls now
[Divorce court]
Judge: The reason you’re divorcing is “he’s annoying?”
Wife: He pronounces “yikes” like “Nike”
J: Baliff, throw him in jail
My love transcends space, time, personal boundaries and several antibiotics
Learned a lot during my barefoot walk through the forest. Mainly that acorns are the earth’s legos
GOD: *holds up dinosaur* what do we call this thing
AARON: aardvark
GOD: no you’re fired
LLOYD: llama
GOD: fired
PTOBY: hang on, I got this
Sometimes when I see a baby wriggling in a highchair, I like to pretend I’m a Bond villain.
“You’ll find escape is quite impossible, Mr. Baby.”
[does his regular grocery shopping]
Cashier: having a kid’s birthday party?
Me: ……………….yes.
Ghostbusters (1984): A large, jovial marshmallow sailor is burned alive amid the crossfire btwn humans and ethereal beings.
[standoff]
NEGOTIATOR: hey chief the gunman says he has all the poetry you wrote in high school
POLICE CHIEF: tell the snipers to stand down
Getting straight “A”s does not guarantee success, but plenty of evidence shows that not getting “A”s doesn’t preclude it.
You know that one guy that lives in that one house across from that black dog not the one but the other one, I see now he’s working at that one place kind of downtown by that other place…
-my wife telling a story
I have to find the recorder the school sent home last year, or something terrible will happen. The school will send home another recorder.
Me: Wanna hear a joke?
Dog: sure
Me: Knock knock
*dog goes crazy barking at the door*
Bad guys in the 80s all had helicopters. If you saw a chopper in the sky it was either a news copter or a greasy bad guy trying to kill Michael Knight.
it’s so crazy how the abbreviation for pound is lb and everyone is like yeah sure ok
just took the “what’s your social security number?” quiz on facebook
“Do you like Tolstoy?”
“Of course. Who doesn’t?”
“What’s your favourite book?”
“The one where Woody is kidnapped & Buzz tries to save him”.
I saw a vending machine that takes Apple Pay which sounds cool but imagine how much it would suck to lose your phone in there.
Hangover status: playing duct, duct, tape with the kids.
My kids were complaining they couldn’t find a tv programme to watch so I told them how little choice there was when I was a kid and 5 rolled her eyes and said “things have changed in the last 100 years mummy” and went back to scrolling
Me: “I don’t make everything sexual”
*plugs phone into charger*
“You like that huh?”
Sorry babe, I have to cancel our date tonight. I joined a 50’s gang and I need to go to snapping practice.