Smooooooth
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“I’m the only cop on the force who can play the bassoon dammit” “Not anymore” New cop in sunglasses walks in, just killing it on the bassoon
Remembering the time the hubs and I bought a bunch of candy for Halloween but no kids came to our door so we just drove around town begging kids to come get it from our car….Probably coulda used another brainstorming sesh on that one
Get married so you can spend the rest of your life closing kitchen drawers and cabinets.
Leo: You will unwrap a package of Pop Tarts and none of the corners will have fallen off. This is how you will know you died in your sleep.
They should have a WebMD where you google your symptoms and it just says “It’s nothing. You’re fine. Stop googling it.
Throwing a spear at your enemy is a bad gamble. If you miss you have no spear now and he’s just fine. He’s better than fine; now he has a spear.
[sees man with a dracula tattoo] *whispers to self* vamp stamp
in chinese “māo” means cat so when we meow at our kitties we’re just shrieking CAT at various frequencies
P: …
M: …
P: Coal?
M: I was trying to make a diamond.
Proctologist: But that’s not how…
Me: I’m very uptight.
The real reason women will never be the ones to propose: As soon as she gets on her knees, he will start unzipping his pants.
interviewer: and how many years of experience do you have being a sandwich?
I want my daughters to work where they want to work, live how they want to live, and love who they want to love.
But more than that, I want them to CLOSE THE CABINET DOORS WHEN THEY ARE DONE GETTING A PLATE
16: They asked me for my email.
12: Email? That’s like something only moms use!
16: Ewww, I know!
*how my kids take a dig at me without even trying to take a dig at me
Most of the time I fall asleep before I figure out which remote does what again
Call all your previous ones relationsinks.
[casting call]
-have u acted before?
*shows VHS of me at a food court eating free samples like I might purchase the meal
-oh this guys good
Why do girls keep giving me their fax numbers?
My neighbors still have their Christmas wreath on the door. I was gonna knock to complain, but I don’t like confrontation so I just stole it.
She was murdered by the toddler. In the bathroom. With his hundredth question.
-Parent version of Clue
“Constructive criticism” was invented by some tyrant as a way to say, “I’m going to upset you and you’re going to thank me.”
Received a DM from a dude who claimed that he knows me in real life.
I can’t guess out who he is, probably I have to kill my friends until I get him.
The worst part of waking up from a nap is the noise my coworkers make in the office.
I didn’t even know my grandma had a gun until I coughed at her house.
“Bro, you want this pamphlet?”
“Brochure”
fedex guy: here’s ur package
me: thanks
fedex guy: sign please
me: [blushing] Pisces
ME: I think we’re being followed
DATE: Really?
M: [checks rear-view mirror] Yep
D: Wait you carry that around with you?
M: Just keep walking
What’s the opposite of mentos?
Lady fingers.
#RubbishJokes #DadJokes
4-year-old trying pop rocks:
I think there’s some people having a birthday in my mouth
Every time my wife makes asparagus I think she’s trying to catch me peeing in the shower.