[reading of my will]
To my nephew, William, I bequeath the satisfaction equivalent of unjamming and popping out a compact disc tray; I also leave him the alacrity to accept what a shit inheritance this is, and then $100k just to spite the other nephews who never sucked up to me.
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Actually, your email does not find me well. I had to talk on the phone twice today, my bananas ripened too quickly and I found a fork in the spoon section of the drawer.
My life is spiraling out of control.
Facebook: see what my mom’s friends are up to
Instagram: see what my favorite celebrities are up to
Twitter: see what my fellow swamp demon hell spawn are up to
A good way to know if your girlfriend is a lizard is if she eats a bunch of crickets or small birds
I’m still waiting for the chicken pot pie I cooked last weekend to cool down.
Last night, I took a sip of water and a spider crawled on my lip! I no longer drink water, have lips or live here.
*sprains wrist doing sports
“MY NACHO HAND!”
They say never give up on your dreams, but I’m really starting to think I’m not going to be the queen of England.
Sure laying me down on a “Bed of Roses” sounds all romantic and shit, but I much rather lay on a bed of fries and onion rings.
all my dance moves look like i’m trying to tell the guy on first base to steal second
My response to my boss when he tells me to work harder when I haven’t had a raise in eight years:
My (almost) 15 year old cat just ran up and down the hallway 6 times and then jumped the gate to start shit with my dog. I’ve been sitting in the same chair since I woke up.
@Book_Krazy @funTweeters 🙂
Me: Jessica has 1/5 cup of milk for her cookie recipe how many times does she need to use the 1/10 measuring cup to make the cookies?
9: How about you figure that out on your own Jessica? Use your own brain.
*getting kidnapped*
Me: wait, I need to pack 34 outfits
Back-to-school tip for parents: while not explicitly forbidden, it is frowned upon to spray champagne on the hood of a departing school bus.
Wife: *signing divorce papers*
I’m sorry I ever married youMe: Apology accepted
Starbucks needs a separate line for people who say “um”
Someday future archaeologists are going to dig up Disney World and think it was some bizarre mouse-worshiping kingdom.
Me: when I was your age we had nine planets
6: what happened? We only have 8 now.
Me: aliens destroyed one because the kids wouldn’t keep their room clean.
6: 😳
Hubby: um honey…
Me: what? It’s better than the truth!
Oh the things you don’t know you agreed to when pressing “accept” on the internet…
You get a fish bite!
You get a fish bite!
You get a fish bite!
You’re all getting fish bites!– OPiranha
The bath is too wet
– reason 101 my toddler is tantruming
when my parents were divorced they had a ski race to see who kept custody of us. things worked different in the 80s
A dog just came up to me to say hello and the owner dragged him off.
Jealousy will get you nowhere, pal.
I just know they’re trying to reach him about an extended warranty.
If I get arrested & the cops give me one phone call I’m dialing Empire Carpets or Jenny because those are the only numbers I have memorized.
Ancient Man “let’s form a partnership”
Wolves “I dunno. We saw what you do to cows”
Man “Haha, you can trust us” *hides sketch of chihuahua*
Crucifixion art is so depressing. Every time I look at Jesus, I can’t help thinking…I’ll never have abs like that.
This bitch wants me to take her to dinner at an expensive restaurant. Like I’m not trying to save up for a Nerf Gun or anything.
Toddler: happy birthday daddy!
Me: aw thanks buddy!
Toddler: it’s my birthday too?
Me: no your birthday is in December.
Toddler: IT’S MY BIRTHDAY TOO!
Me: no-
Toddler: TELL ME HAPPY BIRTHDAY!
Me: but-
Toddler: SAY IT!
Me: happy birthday?
Toddler: thanks daddy!