most villains can be defeeted with a simple bone saw.
You Might Also Like
Based on the number of AVI pics taken in your cars, I’m guessing that quite a few of you girls are on the run
I’ve never seen any of the fast/furious movies. I’m waiting til they are done, so I can watch them in reverse order, so they gradually get less insane
The odds of being murdered by a chicken are low, but never zero.
Our dishwasher doesn’t know what hit it.
Flooding- Blame it on the rain
Gluten allergy- Blame it on the grain
Ripped pants- Blame it on the gain
Forgot- Blame it on the brain
Selfies- Blame it on the vain
Lost karate tournament- Blame it on the crane
We’re way too stupid in our 20’s to be picking life partners
My superhero origin story began when I was bitten by a radioactive sofa.
Mom, look at my diarrhea.
— My 5yo holding up the diary I bought him at his school’s Scholastic book fair
“Do you want the latest dirt?”
-No, but I appreciate the sediment.
“Ok, we’re naming our band after the next thing that happens”
*Adam busts in* Guys, you won’t BELIEVE how many crows are outside rn
I love Bounty but even I think this is cursed
90% of life is just having the courage to show up.
The other 30% is just checking the math.
I find that honking the horn is an effective way to tell another driver, “You’re not going to believe this but you are driving a car right now”
garlic bread in the oven for 20 minutes:
still needs to bake11 seconds later:
it’s garlic dust now.
[throwing face stocking and grappling hook back in trunk]
“Dammit!”
If you’ve been a bad parent this year, Santa is putting recorders in your kids’ stockings.
I got arrested for downloading the whole Wikipedia website.
I told the detective, “Wait! I can explain everything!”
“well i asked asked her to move in after 3 months but i don’t think-”
[cop interrupts me] do you know how fast you were going IN YOUR CAR
If i had to guess, i would guess that the number one search word on Bing is Google.
January 1: GONNA WORK OUT EVERYDAY
January 2: [works out]
Jan 3: [kind of works out]
Jan 4: [too busy to work out]
Jan 5: VANITY IS BULLSHIT
These boots were made for walking, and that’s just what they’ll do. One of these day–oh goddamn it. Did you glue these to the floor, Carl?!
I’m a staunch supporter of something, I’m not sure what that is, yet. I just wanted to be staunch today.
*eats only grass-fed donuts
Anyone that breaks up with me gets followed around by a gang of feral raccoons with tiny signs that say “Really?” and “Seriously dude?” for at least, a month.
I just broke a mirror disco ball, I’m not looking forward to my 5,600 years of bad luck
suddenly remembered my high school production of hamlet where the drama teacher decided that the only actor with the gravitas to play claudius was…. himself
the cast was 15 teenagers and a man in his 40s with a highlighted pompadour, dark wash denim, and a silver skull ring.
he taught us drama alright.
I go back to work tomorrow, ending my 91 day weekend.
Me: I twisted a muscle in my leg.
Physio: Running?
Me: Sleeping.
Hell hath no fury like that of a woman waiting for you to reply to her text all the while she sees you’re continuing to send tweets.