we paid junk removal services come to take some old mattresses and stuff out of my parents’ basement and my sister overheard the guys whispering to each other “man it looks like The Conjuring down here”
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Googled my symptoms and it turns out it’s just 2022.
where do you see yourself in five years?
If money is the root of all evil than my financial situation is proof that I’m the nicest person alive
BUILDING INSPECTOR: This building is not structurally sound
ARCHITECT: why
BUILDING INSPECTOR: Well first of all it’s made of paper
ARCHITECT: Yeah construction paper!
Parents, need a little free time Easter morning?
Have your kids hunt for Easter eggs that you never hid.
Bonus points for telling them they’re getting warmer.
Please enter new password
Me: Candy123
Password shouldn’t be similar to previous password
We recommend this password
J:$aBhh?/@‘c,2.”1f3&,0LP?!477F.91$uMe: Candy123!
I’m getting the sneaking suspicion that my therapist isn’t the one who’s supposed to be crying during our sessions.
Little straws like capri sun but for Taco Bell hot sauce packets.
°waldo at the gym° can’t none of y’all spot me
Y’all, I’m a teletherapist and my dog just popped up in session looking all professional and shit
has it occurred to anyone that the reason dinosaurs are extinct is because purple is way to flashy in the wild?
*hears wife and son come home*
*suddenly remembers I was supposed to pick him up*
me: “what is a librarian’s favourite food?”
dog:
me: “SHUSHI lmao”
dog: [starts putting his toys in suitcase]
Anyone can wish upon a star, but it takes guts to wish upon the moon. If you don’t aim that wish perfectly it will ricochet off a crater, which is how we lost the dinosaurs
Modeled nude for an art class today at my local college. They didn’t ask, I just felt like it.
At drop off, 5’s teacher said “good morning sweetheart” and 5 replied “mummy made fish for dinner last night and it was disgusting” then she skipped inside to tell Freya all about it
best comment I’ve heard when I tell people I’m sober is “eating too much is WAY worse than drinking too much,” but I’ve never known anyone who got a concussion or chlamydia after too many McNuggets
Just paid my bills, so don’t ask me to come out. I’m at home getting my money’s worth.
Me: Whats wrong babe?
Her: Nothing.
Me:*Pauses DVD of Shrek 2 that Ive had on a loop since losing my job* No somethings wrong I can tell.
ME [being stabbed by a stingray]: This pancake seems angry.
5: I want to do something no one else has ever done.
Me: Help me clean?
5: No. Something fun.
normalize being naked at the laundromat so u can wash ALL ur clothes
Just once I wish the McDonald’s drive-thru would say “I love you too.”
Executioner: last meal?
Me: I want to eat the electric chair
Executioner [through walkie talkie]: can he do that
ive modified my phone to deliver electric shocks each time one of you unfollows me. The pain will make me kinder, humbler, and more powerful
Actual air attendant:
“Secure your mask before helping your kids.if you have multiple, pick the one with the highest earning potential 1st”
Watching drunk twins fight.
The similarities are staggering, and striking.
Annual reminder that Valentine’s Day was a scam invented by Goodyear to sell all the heart-shaped tires their factory made by mistake
My wife suggested we go to the pub separately & relive our 1st date.
So she walked over to me and said “can I buy you a drink?”
I replied “sorry I’m married.”
Interviewer: Why did you leave your job as a customer service representative?
Me: The phone calls kept interrupting my nap.