I once dated a guy only because he had a cool hidden safe behind a painting in the hallway he kept the spare toilet paper rolls in there
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God inventing people:
Put a cap on the tip of their fingers for protection, because they will hit their fingers with a hammer, you know what let’s confuse the shit out of them and call it a nail too
My dog is always using my legs as a pillow, but the one time I lay down on him he acts like I should get out of his kennel.
Yes, 911, that guy just fed my house letters again.
Why do we call it toilet paper? Does anyone wipe their toilet with it?
haunted house: get. out.
me: (telling spicy gossip) right?
A wok that cooks so fast you call it a run.
[peels off pepperoni]
she loves me[peels off pepperoni]
she loves me not
I hate it when I sit down on a warm public toilet seat and I have to set myself on fire.
What’s the sleaziest way of fitting four multiple choice options into one?
A) Be Seedy
I just wanted five minutes to drink my coffee so I sent my kid in the other room to look for a toy that’s in my pocket.
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Daughter: dad Im a lesbian
Dad: Okay its cool
2nd daughter: dad I’m a lesbian too
Dad: Does ANYone in this family like guys?
Son: I do
pinnochio trying to win a 40 yard dash by lying as fast as he can at the end
Welcome to adulthood: you’re not hungover it’s just Tuesday.
why just edible underwear? why not an entire edible wardrobe? i wanna eat a parka off my wife before sex
Our neighbour always gets my wife’s name wrong, so she started doing the same to him. She apologises and says English names “are challenging to remember” and “am I saying it right?”. His name is Ken
Mike Huckabee calls Obama a “pretend Christian”, and if anyone’s an expert on “pretend Christians”, it’s Mike Huckabee.
[sideline]
QUARTERBACK: I think we should run it. How about you?
COACH: Hmm…pass[huddle]
CENTER: Well?
QUARTERBACK: He refused to answer
Called my boss this morning and asked if I can come a little later in to work.
He replied with: “Dream on!”
That’s very nice of him, right?
#RubbishJokes #FridayMorning
Donald Duck can walk around Disney pantless and everyone loves him, but when I do it, it’s “indecent”?
There was a sense of accomplishment finishing the daily newspaper. I literally have no idea when I’m supposed to stop reading the internet.
Girlfriend: It’s 11:11, make a wish
Me (eyes roll): *stares out window*
Girlfriend: [gets text message] Crap, I have to go home
Me: Holy shit
Superman: this is my dog Krypto, he has all the same powers as me
Louis Lane: even x-ray vision?
[Krypto stares intently at Lois]
Superman: oh god he sees your bones run
How’s virtual school going for you? I’ll start.
My son was late to his PE class because he was making nachos.
I’d go to Mastodon, but I have zero dinosaur jokes.
6 yo: I’m getting bigger, this house won’t fit me much longer.
the only other single person at this wedding is my nephew fml
The best thing about owning a Smart Car is when it gets dirty, you can just put it in the dishwasher.
Because of Gwen Stefani I can spell bananas so I wish she’d write a song where she spells restaurant.
ME: [riding a horse on a carousel] weeeeee!
AIRLINE SECURITY: [into radio] god dammit, he’s back and he brought a horse with him this time