SORRY I GOT IN THE VAN AND ATE ALL OF THE CANDY AND NOW YOU DON’T KNOW WHAT TO DO WITH ME.
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Hey to all the girls with more than one person in their picture you’re making this VERY DIFFICULT.
Me: How much for the round lizard
Grocer: That’s a lime
Whoever designated mini cupcakes as “two-bite” has greatly underestimated my #cupcake eating abilities.
The first guy who heard a parrot talk was probably not ok for several days.
Don’t drive me crazy… unicycle me there. Show some originality, man!
My kid was supposed to enter second grade but after months of homeschooling he’ll be going back to kindergarten.
Squeak, squeak, squeak!
$500,000 to have my head cryogenically preserved or $1.59 for a Slurpee to give me a brain freeze?
Me: “I like you.”
Date: “I like you, too.”
Me: “Well this just got boring.”
Love spending a relaxing Sunday curled up with a good book as it sits next to me untouched while I scroll through twitter for three hours
The janitor squints at the unfinished equation, picks up the chalk and scrawls methodically. Soon all the eights have top-hats like snowmen.
*pretends to get an urgent text so I can turn around after I notice I’m walking in the wrong direction*
Crying on the way home from visiting my kid at college.
I miss her already but mostly I’m crying because she took all the money from my purse.
[fakes allergic reaction at dinner]
Me: I-I’m- [clutches chest & falls to floor] I’m gonna need you to pay for me
I am one who tells herself blueberry muffins are healthy because duh, there are blueberries. Also, guess what I got at Costco today? Yep.
My dad would freak tf out!🤣💀
Everyone you meet is fighting a battle you know nothing about. Attack while they’re distracted.
I don’t own a Roomba vacuum but I do have a dog who follows my kids around while they eat their snacks
Hell hath no fury like a 5yo who didn’t get as many pepperoni pieces on his pizza slice as his brother.
Cauliflower has a good publicist.
If I was on trial and the prosecutor was like, “that man is the murderer!” and pointed at me so the jury all turned their attention toward me, I’d have a hard time not waving at them.
Me: {sobbing my heart out, eyes swollen, nose red) “I can’t see you anymore. I am NOT going to let you hurt me like that again!”
Trainer: “It was a sit-up. You did one sit-up.”
I ran without my headphones today & was reminded that I feel better about my fitness when my soundtrack isn’t my panicked gasping breathing.
Me: *annoyed that 3yo never wants to get in the bath and then never wants to get out of bath*
Also me: *procrastinates getting in the shower because comfy and lazy and then doesn’t want to get out of the shower because comfy and lazy*
Liven up your gym routine by screaming “Jane! Stop this crazy thing!” while on the treadmill.
I just want to live in a world where every slice of bacon is perfectly fried, beer flows freely from the kitchen tap, pandemics are a thing of the past…
… and that world peace thing.
*Buys map of world, pins up on wall
*Throws dart, swears to visit wherever it lands
*packs for wall 3 feet away
*has an amazing time at wall
Hugs not drugs. Except, yes drugs and why are you touching me?
What do you call an alligator thats wearing a vest?
An investigator.
Doctor’s receptionist: Reason for your visit?
Me [covered in roofing material]: I have shingles.