Argentina is surprisingly cold. In fact it’s bordering on Chile.
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If my Fitbit really wanted me to be more active it would tell me there’s food at my door.
[First day as pirate]
*sword tip pokes me in back*
*sighs*
*walks plank*Me: Whatever, y’all are out of rum anyway.
Him: You drank it all!
If I were a hairdresser, my business cards would say, “I’ll cut you.”
I want to marry a man who is never on time so I can refer to him as my late husband
Her: You have selective hearing. You never hear criticism and only hear things that make you look good.
Me: Thanks, you look good too.
There are 2 words that have opened a lot of doors for me in my life.
Push and Pull.
when I have dinner with a vegetarian I order two steaks to use as a bun for my third steak
Like Carrie at the prom but it’s just me after a spaghetti dinner and too much red wine.
Does it…does it take 3 days
I don’t judge you when you make a typo.
I first look at the keypad and how far the letters are apart.
Then I judge you.
A police officer came up to me yesterday and asked, Where were you between four and five?
I said, Kindergarten.
Me: If we weren’t related, I’d totally sleep with you. Hot girl: But we aren’t related. Me: Oh good, so you feel the same way too
It’s kind of annoying that my wife said something about glistening but when I asked her to repeat it she just got mad.
Selfie
my grandma just asked me if i had a boyfriend and i was like “no” and she was like “well i went to a random funeral because i was bored and that’s how i met your grandfather” ??????
16 yo daughter: I feel like nobody spends time with me
*returns to bedroom where she has had herself locked in for the last 742 days*
Time Traveler: “What year is it?”
Me: “2020”
Time Traveler: “oh. Its the first year of quarantine”
Me
Oh, you like Thanksgiving?
Name 3 pilgrims.
That time I tried to clap while doing a push-up and almost died.
hey can I use your bathroom?
cashier: only paying customers
jesus…ok just give me 9 double whoppers with cheese, a chocolate shake, 2-
Pro tip:
If you bring her flowers to apologize, don’t bring them in a vase.
She might still be pissed. No sense in arming her.
[at specialist office]
Service desk: witch doctor are you here to see?
Me: I’m here for…did you just say witch doctor?
SD: no
M: you sure?
SD: *shakes skeleton head maracas behind desk* no
LIFE HACK: If a public restroom is locked, violently yank the door handle over and over like a gorilla and never accept that it’s occupied
Why is my body letting me get a cold?
I gave it an orange only last week….
Just called the number of a guy I met last night and a pizza place answered. I didn’t even know you could live in pizza places. I’m in love!
Me at 20: I better stretch before I do a work out so I don’t strain my hammys!
Me at 40: I better stretch before I go to sleep so I don’t strain my neck.
When you meet your one true soulmate, you just know. I knew it immediately with my first three.
WHY DOES EVERYONE ON DATING APPS LIKE HIKING SO MUCH
This Election is the most math I’ve done in a long time.