If you attempt to rob a bank you won’t have any trouble with rent/food bills for the next 10 years whether you are successful or not.
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the man next to me at this airport bar just sent at least 30 cry laugh emojis to a person in a text while he sat stoically drinking a heineken
I guess if Porky Pig wants to flash someone, he just takes off his bowtie?
going ballistic.
anyone need anything?
Before you ask me to proofread anything, know that I spent 30 years thinking “FAQs” was short for “Facts”.
For 10 years I believed my best friend was a mute, but it turns out that someone has just drawn a boy in the corner of my glasses.
Mermaids: Can’t live with them, can’t beat them in a potato sack race.
So not only is it the 4th of July and apparently the house behind me is a fireworks warehouse but the new neighbors across the street have a garage band. 😕
I was once a guest at a house where the owner told me that his mother died in the bed I was sleeping in and I don’t blame her because that bed was comfy.
damn boy, are you Comic Sans? because I cannot take you seriously
People think I’m a hugger, but I’m actually shaking them down for snacks.
Pooping on the clock is the small-scale revolt of the working class in preparation for the people’s revolution.
Me: I’m so bored.
Dog: Have you considered running from window to window and barking at stuff outside?
Me: That’s the dumbest ide- OHMIGOD! *runs to window* The FedEx truck! *runs to other window* It might be my Amazon delivery! *runs to front door* IT’S TURNING UP OUR STREET!
This cat poop tastes like I’m about to get yelled at.
— Dogs
I didn’t mean to knock your toddler down at the mall today…
I just wanted to be first on Santa’s lap before he got peed on.
A girl phoned me the other day and said…”Come on over, there’s nobody home.” I went over. Nobody was home.
Breaking Bad – Season 05 Episode 14 – Frame 640 of 2834
Me: hahahahahaahaahahaha
Personal trainer: what’s so funny?
Me: oh man I thought you were joking about running
Aragorn: You have my sword
Legolas: And my bow
Gimli: And my axe
Van Gogh: Just hear me out
Every time.
Daughter: What’s a warehouse?
Me: It’s a man who was bitten by a house, and is then cursed to transform into a house at every full moon.
Daughter: Wow.
Me: *Nodding as I exhale a huge bong rip*
How did Kim Kardashian get her hands on Liberace’s bath robe? #GrammysRedCarpet
My biggest fears are:
-running out of chocolate
-running out of coffee
-running out of toilet paper
-running
Give a man a fish and he’ll be like,
“Dude I’m allergic to fish.”
TEACH a man to fish and he’ll be like,
“THTOP I THAID IM ALLERGIC TO FITH”
Things I learnt from Avatar:
– Kill Smurfs while they’re still young.
Oh my god y’all. I watched a woman attempt to go through airport security with ten fully inflated helium birthday balloons. She kept shoving them into the conveyor belt to the scanner but they just kept popping back out like a cartoon. Yes this happened in florida.
interviewer: any interests outside of work
me: war and space documentaries
mom: he means star wars
me: mom stay in the car
mom: nerd
It’s like you don’t appreciate this bag of toenails and I can’t deal with this right now.
MATH Q: 5 friends wanna split a $50 dinner. But Josh wants a separate check bc his thing was $2 less. Really, Josh? This is y nobody likes u
This is the angriest post I’ve seen on Twitter in a long time.