The body is 70% water..
So cool, you’re not fat you’re just flooded..
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It’s hard to believe in God when every time I go to Subway the person in front of me has NO IDEA HOW SUBWAY WORKS.
An hour of interrogation later and the cat still has not revealed the location of the 4 missing puzzle pieces
COP: don’t worry sir, we’ll find your kids as soon as we can.
ME: no hurry.
I feel a little cheated when someone’s bio is in English but all their tweets are written in gobblety gobblety.
A rabbit has a father who has a big hair care product empire and wonders if one day his child will become the Hair heir hare.
me: do u take walk-ins?
morgue: what
I’ve really grown as a parent recently. Outwards.
Fun fact: dinosaurs are divided into two main groups, “lizard-hipped” species like Apatosaurus and “bird-hipped” species like Stegosaurus
NOT FUN AT ALL fact: actual birds are considered lizard-hipped
Me: I’ve lost the dictionary
Her: Can you look upstairs?
Me: I can’t look up anything
Got a new high score on my bathroom scale
I hate dealing with fresh garlic. Each individual clove with their little f***ing paperwork.
wife: what’s the house of your dreams?
me: fireplace in each room. and there’s a bear walking around and it only speaks spanish. also the floor is quicksand.
wife:
me:
wife:
me: oh you mean like a house i wish we lived in.
HER: It’s a gender reveal party.
ME: To tell the sex of the baby.
HER: You have to stop calling it a sex party.
me irl
[Friday morning meeting]
Me: *dressed in a hockey mask and carrying a big knife*
Boss: Nice Friday the 13th costume.
Me: It’s Friday the 13th?
“Honey, have you seen the cat?”
– Mrs. Schrödinger
Girlfriend: YOU NEED TO MOVE ON
Me (sliding Blockbuster card back into my wallet): I’m trying…
doctor: im afraid we’re going to have to amputate a leg
flamingo: i’ll manage
spider: same
snake: i have a question
stadium announcer: “STADIUM!”
Mother’s Day is great b/c you get to wake up to your kids fighting over who gets to give you your card first instead of regular fighting.
*Wife busts me installing locks on man-cave door*
Wife : Great idea! That will keep the kids out!
Me : Uh… yeah. The kids.
Told my kid I was going to check her room because she told me she cleaned it, and she negotiated a five minute head start in case she “missed something.”
Drinking 8 glasses of water isn’t easy, but I get really thirsty when I eat Funyuns. So problem solved. It feels good to be healthy.
me: I wish there were more hours in my day
the sun at 5:30 a. m.: hey
m; eew. no. not you.
[saying goodnight in French]
me: bon nuit
autocorrect: bone unit
If you’re drunk when you die, are you drunk forever…?
Wanna know what 1000 marbles spilling on a tile floor sounds like?
Have kids.
Dads on here: my kid is such an amazing person. I love them. Moms on here: let me tell you what this little shit stain did today.
The lazy river is my favorite ride at this amusement park. “Ahhhhh!” I scream as I float in a giant circle, not spilling my drink at all
My husband and I just met with our financial advisor. Our new retirement plan is to disband, marry much older, wealthier spouses and kind of just wait it out.