Getting noise cancelling headphones for when the kids are home is sound advice
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Today I saw a kid being pushed around in the shopping cart while eating a snack and watching a movie on an iPad. It’s tough to see others living out your dreams.
Looking forward to Keanu Reeves making improvements to his home in the upcoming
Matrix: Renovations
HOLD YOUR HORSES. TELL YOUR HORSES YOU LOVE THEM. DONT BE TOO STRICT WITH YOUR HORSES OR THEY’LL DATE OLDER HORSES GET TATTOOS & HAVE PONIES
A relationship is like a shark, it looks better on TV
“Babe I wanna ask you something”
*gets down on one knee*
“When The Little Mermaid became human, how’d she know to use a toilet?”
*ties shoe*
Me *looking at 50 caskets in church* this is weird
Waldo’s wife *dabbing eyes* it’s what he would’ve wanted
My dad would freak tf out!🤣💀
My dating profile:
me: [struggling to think of things to talk about] “so what do you do for a living?”
barber: [slowly stops cutting my hair]
daughter: daddy! daddy! did you see how high i jumped?
me [eyes closed, blind folded, 3000 leagues under the sea in a deprivation chamber]: yes, wow that was so amazing!!!!
A job site for heavily tattooed professionals called Inkedin
*Guy is rushed in on a stretcher*
DR: what happened
EMT: we found him passed out & seizing during a shrek marathon
DR: WE’VE GOT AN OGREDOSE
This is literally the only instance I’ve ever seen someone “asking for it”
Got sent to HR for impersonating a fire alarm during a staff meeting again
You’re born alone and you die alone. And a bunch of people annoy you in the middle. Okay, good night.
YOU (falling prey to the pathetic fallacy): The sky is angry tonight.
ME (science-loving, dispassionate): Everything is angry all the time.
I was using the self-checkout at the grocery store and since I’m such a good customer, I decided to give myself a free gallon of milk.
“evreytime god closes a door, he opens a window” – me, tryimg to convince my clients their house isnt haunted
no, YOU’RE clutching a string of kielbasas like rosary beads
[Text]
18: This Hotel wants me to pay for Wi-Fi?!
Me: You do know someone pays for Wi-Fi at home too, right?
Don’t ask me for childcare advice unless you want nuggets of wisdom like “always punch holes in the box so they can breathe.”
Ladies, have you ever slept with a man because he has a big fish that he caught in his profile picture?
I may have failed as a lifeguard in myriad ways, but don’t you dare say I wasn’t punctual.
me: [yelling at houseplant] I AM NOT AN ALCOHOLIC
wife: I’m over here
I like to pretend that the dog follows me everywhere because she’s my biographer and not because she just wants food
Me: don’t ever speak like that to me again
Alarm clock: *continues to beep*
her: when we go to Hawaii let’s ride a dolphin
me:
her:
me: i’m taking a plane, Karen
I bet the first person to keep track of his age was a gigantic tool
“This is my 24th winter”
Shut up and help us kill this boar, Stuart
Am not being sponsored to say this but if any of you guys are looking to protect your feet while walking on rough terrain, check out “shoes”
My friend reluctantly let her 10yo attend a birthday party before family pictures and asked that she do her best not to get muddy. She did not, however, specify that she shouldn’t get her face painted in camouflage. We’re all very excited for this year’s Christmas card.