GUY WHO INVENTED JACK-O-LANTERNS: I bet this gourd would be cooler if it looked like it wanted to murder me.
You Might Also Like
Me: Turn right on Johnson Street.
Her: I don’t know the street names, just give me landmarks.
Me: Ok turn right at the sign that says Johnson Street.
It’s like the girl sitting in front of me on this bus doesn’t want me to braid her hair.
[walking into museum]
i must read each and every description, really soak up the history
*after 20 minutes*
can i sit on this or is it art?
Daughter: will you help me with my philosophy paper.
Me: who are you writing about?
Daughter: I haven’t picked anyone yet.
Me: sounds like you put Descartes before dehorse lol.
Daughter: seriously?
Me:
Daughter:
Me: Kant stop won’t stop : )
Had to do 3 cartwheels, a backflip and a verse of “Killing Me Softly” to turn on this automatic sink.
*surgeon opens cooler during transplant*
*cooler is full of Gatorade*
“Wait but this means…”
*cut to surgeon’s kids dumping kidney on coach*
Them: Why are you single?
Me: *flashes back to the time I went out with a really tall guy and couldn’t stop laughing because I could see up his nose* It’s a mystery, really.
Mockingbird: I imitate other birds.
Hummingbird: I make a humming noise. What do you do?
Swallow: *Blushes*
Why are we forcing a single payer military plan on everyone? There should be a basic military that covers you, and if you want to bomb another country on top of that, you pay for it yourself. It’s about choice
Brings a particularly tough steak to a knife fight.
me: *doing the hokey pokey, turning myself around*
therapist: ok what was that all about
Oh, so you’re a human?
name three pictures with traffic lights in them
Overheard two American tourists as they walked past the chemist: “I didn’t know New Zealand had pharmacies. I didn’t even know they had medicine.”
If I don’t duck my head when I drive into the parking garage what’s gonna keep my car from hitting the ceiling?
What kind of vegetable does an Elephant eat?
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
Squash
My 4YO asked me, “can I take your picture mama cuz you’re so beautiful,” but it was actually because she wanted my phone to look for YouTube videos.
Thomas Jefferson’s dad’s name was Thomas Jefferdad. Really makes you think
just found out Mr. Miyagi’s first name was Trent, I hate hollywood
Nobody is looking…here’s my chance…😂😏🐶
Pro Tip : Give the person interviewing you “something to remember” doesn’t means giving them a bite mark.
WIFE: Do something productive today
ME: I will
[later]
WIFE: What the-?
[dog zooms by in the car]
ME: I taught him how to drive, Karen
What idiot called him Steve Jobs instead of Mac Daddy
Dentist: You don’t have to floss all your teeth. Only the ones you wanna keep!
*I start flossing his teeth*
D: Um…
Me: These are mine now
If I was a microplastic I would simply not go in the ocean or anyone’s mouth.
Me: *takes off my clothes*
Masseuse Instructor: No. The client removes their clothes…not you.
*goes produce shopping*
Wife: Get in line & watch the cart.
Me: OK.
Wife: I’ll be right back.*minds peas & queues*
I bought some Velcro shoes so that nobody can make fun of my velcro wallet anymore because now they will match
KATY PERRY: 🎶 baby you’re a fiiiiirework
KATY PERRY’S DOG: I hate this song
I have a Brown Paper Belt in Origami
Me: *enters Manager’s office wearing a pheasant face mask*
Manager: *sighs* “You know full well what I meant when I said that you needed your game face on for the meeting today”