Friend: Did you already eat or do you want to get some food?
Me: Correct.
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[doctor hands wife urn]
Ma’am, I’m afraid your husband didn’t make it.
“Nooo!” she cries.
Oh, he’s fine. But he didn’t make this lovely urn.
Every BBC series about the universe.
Accidentally ran the wash with Ecstasy still in a back pocket. Now my jeans are freaking out, and the zipper won’t stop grinding its teeth.
at work when it’s slow and everyone’s mad i like to say “at least we have our health and are surrounded by friends” and everyone gets more mad.
I’m so lazy, I’ll only walk my fingers through your hair.
i think only bears should have the right to bear arms
My 20 y.o. son: Mom, if you were in Star Wars, do you think you’d be on the light side or the dark side?
Me: I’d probably be the mom whose son abandoned her to stay a slave on a desert planet after he won a flying car race.
Marriage, when you drink as much as possible before your husband gets home so you can just drink 1 glass of wine in front of him.
The Shining is my favorite movie about what can happen when you spend too much time with family.
Fellas, don’t feel like you can’t offer your wife cooking tips, even after she spends all day making a delicious home cooked meal. And it doesn’t hurt to throw in “That’s not how my mom used to do it”.
[stewardess]
“Sir, even if you ARE, as you say, the REAL Slim Shady- the captain has asked for all passengers to remain seated at this time”
Him: you’re beautiful.
Her: no I’m not, hehe.
Him: yes, you are.
Her: you’re crazy, I’m hideous.
Him: oh, ok. I see it now.
[first date]
“What’s wrong?”
I don’t like the ambulance in this place
[sniggering] “You mean ambience”
[next table] NEE NAW NEE NAW WOOOOOO
Canadian Tinder users are 56% male, 44% female and 33% holding a fresh trout
I woke up today with what appears to be a spider bite. I better get super powers or I’m going to be pissed.
*releases frozen turkey back into the ocean
“I’ll have a rum and coke”
Is pepsi ok?
“Sure whatever”
*hands you a pepsi and coke*
“America’s Most Wanted” to return to the airwaves with an NFL edition.
Smoke alarms are stupid — like I’d ever forget to smoke.
“Cool.” was my spouse’s text reply to me getting our Pearl Jam tickets today.
So anyway, after I bury the body in the back yard, I have an extra ticket if someone wants to go.
“Are you still watching?”
Yes, Netflix. I didn’t magically get my shit together in the last three hours.
when I was a kid I was terrified of being born on feb 29 even though I had already been born
Really, there’s no need to ever take your kids anywhere fun because they can just sit and complain at home for a lot less money.
[first day as a botany professor]
me: who can tell me why plants release pollen in the spring?
student: to reproduce?
me: wrong. it’s to torture me specifically
No one :
Me when I swimming :
Oh well thank you for narrowing it down for me there
Judging by the way my kids raced to see who could chug their chocolate milk the fastest at the dinner table, I’d have to say they are never, ever going to be allowed at a keg party.
Just saw a man wearing a pager. Apparently, he’s expecting a very important call from someone in 1994.
SCHRÖDINGER: *Kneels down* Hey buddy, so… I have some news about your cat.
SON: Is it good news or bad news?
SCHRÖDINGER: Yes.