*bugs bunny*
bunny: stop bothering me
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[1st date]
“I’m really into roll playing,” I tell her with a wink, and make two pieces of complimentary bread pretend to kiss.
[hears a baby crying on the train]
Can somebody put that thing on silence please?
“It’s a baby..”
…
“…”
Vibrate?
Well, son, when a man loves a woman very much he expresses that love by slowly transforming into a human sloth.
*Logging into Reddit in a wig and fake mustache*
Gentlemen, I think we should really stick it to Wall Street by finding me a girlfriend
CIA DIRECTOR: if u take this deep undercover assignment, u will have to give up ur own name forever
STUART GIGGLEDICK: not an issue, sir
[at the general store]
me: one general please
My phone autocorrected killed to kilt. Well plaid, phone. Well plaid.
A telemarketer just called my cell phone.
I pretended to be a phone sex operator.
HE didn’t hang up.
…things got awkward.
a fun game to play with a chiropractor is to go completely limp after they pop your neck just to see what they do
said in every police drama ever
– her parents are coming down from Wisconsin
Nobody plays better together than siblings being told it’s bedtime
Snakes have both zero chill and tons of chill because I start freaking out when a piece of food takes a second to go down my esophagus and they feel that every time they eat and it’s not an almond it’s a mouse, oh snakes I wish you such peace
Grow up never but we old may grow we
can’t a grown man in a phantom of the opera face mask just go grocery shopping like everybody else!? geeze.
Firing squad leader: Any last words?
Me: I’d like to thank my arms for always being by my side haha
Firing squad leader: ok we’re gonna somehow try to kill you twice
Politics would be a lot more fun if Congress had an open bar.
wife: when my husband pees it sounds like a horse
doctor: he probably has a wide ureth-
*loud whinnying coming from the bathroom*
*see Shawshank on TV guide*
Wife: Don’t do it
*picks up remote*
W: I said don’t do it
*turns TV to Shawshank*
W: YOUVE SEEN IT 90 TIMES
[mosh pit]
me: HELLOOO TRYING TO DRINK A LATTE HERE
Lost my chapstick today, but a few hours later I found one on the floor of a men’s room at an interstate rest-area. Looks like my luck is finally turning around.
I love overhearing dog owners talking to their dogs
eg, I was petting this dog who seemed happy but then suddenly growled at me, so I left
As I turned the corner I could hear his owner saying to him reproachfully, “You always do this, Oscar, you drive away all your friends”
thought we’d see more kids named goku by now
Never argue with someone who knows fancier words than you. Like ‘responsibility’
the Baltimore subreddit never disappoints me
[cat diary day 2]
ok the guy just came and stole my poop again wtf
Everybody’s partner buys a new vacuum cleaner when the filter gets dirty, right? Just mine?
Due to personal reasons, I’ve decided to become a mermaid that lures sailors to their doom.
What my husband said: How about you run to Target for cleaning supplies and I’ll hang with the kids
What I heard: How about you run to Target alone so you have the freedom to spend this months mortgage payment on unnecessary home decor and a 2020 calendar that you’ll never use
That awkward moment when you try something on in a shop but you don’t know if you can get it off again.
[Death Row]
GUARD: last requests?
INMATE: a little heroin would be nice
TINKER BELL: *chloroforms guard*
INMATE: I meant the drug stupid