Why do people say they tried calling me? No, you did, in fact, succeed in calling. I just didn’t answer.
You Might Also Like
Husband: What should we do today?
Me: It’s up to you.
Husband: Beach?
Me: No.
Husband: Movie?
Me: No.
Husband: Museum?
Me: No.
Husband: Then what do you want to do?
Me: I don’t care. You choose.
Talking to a toddler is like working customer service. For example, she’s screaming at me and I’m apologizing for something I had nothing to do with.
husband: we should role play tonight
me: ok you be our hot neighbor Chad
husband: huh, that’s oddly specific
me: listen Chad, it’s inappropriate that you’re in my bedroom please leave my husband will be home soon and we’re probably gonna do it
[gets down on one knee]
her: omg
[gets down on two knees]
her: ok…
[gets down on third knee]
her: wtf
Exact revenge because who wants to approximate revenge?
The children of the corn are probably the grandparents of the corn now. Like “no Billy Bob, only kill him a little, grandpa’s got enough for the blood sacrifice”
I just found out it only costs about $100 to change your name!!!
Say hello to Ninja Firequeef!
Your dog is hyper if he skips his afternoon walk.? Oh please. You should see my raccoon after a can of Mountain Dew.
911: 911
me: I think my smoke detector is broken
911: is there smoke?
me: how would I know?
911:
me: 911 how would I know?
I’ve got a bag full of stick figure stickers, and when I see an SUV I add random dudes to their families.
Her: You ate that entire bag of fried cheese snacks?
Him: Thought you said they were baked.
Her: I said YOU were baked.
I asked 14 to do me a favor, and he said, ”okay.” Then deliberately fell face first into the mattress on my bed.
Same kid, same.
My tacos arrived with a fork on the plate. I can only guess it’s there to stab potential taco thieves.
Scientists say that dinosaurs and humans didn’t coexist but the makers of The Flintstones clearly dispute this so I’m not sure.
If you make it through life without being portrayed in a murder documentary, take the win.
why just edible underwear? why not an entire edible wardrobe? i wanna eat a parka off my wife before sex
Son: Dad, I’d like you to meet my girlfriend
Me: That’s a raccoon
Son:
Me: *tearing up* I’m so proud of you
*walks up to girl working on her laptop in a cafe*
So you into computers?
You can pretty much tell me anything is an anagram and I’ll believe it. I’m not about to rearrange a bunch of letters like some doctor
Boss: Remember to only use your new laptop for job related things
Me: [Using laptop to search for a new job]
If you give a man a fish, that fish is basically gone. Way to lose your fish
telling people you’re single:
• “you’ll find someone”
• “have you tried tinder”saying “many have tried to date me and all have failed”:
• mystical
• empowering
• sword-in-the-stone vibes
Handmaid’s TALE not Handmaid’s Handbook
The good news: work is picking up
The bad news: work is picking up
COWORKER: how old is our boss?
ME: cut him in half & count the rings
CW: doesn’t that only work on trees?
ME: *over chainsaw noises* HE’S 38
I like to put up Christmas decorations in stages. This is the stage where I sit on the couch with lasagna and stare at the boxes.
My uncle has two dobermans named rolex and timex.
They’re his watch dogs.
It’d be ironic if deaf people hung out in heards.
In honor of Mother’s Day here’s my favorite text my mom has ever sent me
Nothing makes me more anxious than when I answer the same letter, three questions in a row on a multiple choice test.