Officer: Can you identify the burglar’s screwdriver from these ten pictures? And his headwear from these ten?
Me: It’s tool eight; Fourth hat.
Officer: We won’t catch him with that attitude, sir.
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if any of u nasty little cretins were even the least bit curious where i’m at right now i just tried to wipe a couple raindrops off my phone so they wouldn’t show up in a screenshot i was taking
[comedy club]
Worm: And what’s the deal with dandelion stems? Right? Right?!
Other worms: *silence*
Early bird: *cracking up*
Me: i don’t believe in marriage
Also me: i will meet my husband through twitter
my biggest fear is a kiIler saying some funny shit whiIe im playing dead
we went from november 1 to november 15 in just 3 minutes
Please don’t ruin Breaking Bad for me… I’m only at the part where A texts Aria, Spencer, Hanna and Emily
I try to use proper grammar and punctuation in all of my tweets, until I’m about to go over the 140 character limit…& den u no how it b.
While not illegal, it is generally frowned upon to follow behind someone and play your travel harmonica synced to their footsteps.
Next on CNN, 600 hours of guessing what happened to a plane.
me: if you love something, set it free
wife: [stopping me from releasing our baby into the wild] don’t
Why do they only put expiration DATES on food? It’d be fun as hell if they gave us the exact time too. “We got 8 minutes to eat this ham!!!”
I once brought great shame to my children by telling the drive-thru attendant I’d take as many ketchup packets as he could give me.
I’m at that stage in life where my bladder is at its weakest and my phobia of public toilets is at its strongest.
My mind is a steel trap…that was set off accidentally long ago and now works best as a paperweight.
Vodka burrito was a success
Doctor: your body has run out of magnesium
Me: 0mg
[about to post]
Social Media Police: Is it reliable
Me: Yes
SMP: Source?
M: I heard it from a friend who heard it from a friend
SMP: Proceed
Blues songs are about being sad, which is why so many of them begin with “I woke up this morning.”
Cant believe they scheduled work at my 9-5 job the day after I decided to get drunk on a Wednesday I am appalled
*shaves, waxes lip, plucks eyebrows*
Okay, weigh me now.
Woke up at 3am because I fell asleep in a recliner and my spouse went to bed and just left me there. So I crawled to bed and arranged the pillows to really constrict my airflow to make sure I snored the rest of the night.
Me: You wrote a play?
Him: Well, I used a ghost writer.
Me (whispering): was it Shakespeare?
The locals are gushing over my poor axe handling skills
“Welcome to daycare. Here’s your eye infection.”
doc: so how are you feeling
me: awful
doc: *phew* I hate to ruin a good mood
Benjamin Button
Started off dead
Violets are blue
Roses are red
me: if i follow them, will i see their tweets?
Twitter: absolu-
Twitter algorithm: no.
weird to have so little faith in humanity nowadays that a guy could be hurling Molotov cocktails at me from his car and I’d be ok with it if he’s using his turn signals
I just wanted five minutes to drink my coffee so I sent my kid in the other room to look for a toy that’s in my pocket.
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