Deathbed confession
Me: We’re bankrupt
Him: What? How?
Me: I lied about being able to fold fitted sheets. I bought new ones every time
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Donkey Kong sommelier
The most disappointing sentence in the human language is “This next song is off of our new album”.
Wife: Why can’t you just say phrases correctly?!
Me: Well aren’t you a ray of sunscreen.
The huge spider I bravely killed for my wife turned out to be a piece of thread. I’m not telling her.
Inventor of rice cakes: What if chewing air made a noise?
Every time I buy vegetables it’s a triumph of hope over experience.
“The rules are quite simple, Mr Bond: I think of a word, you guess letters in that word. If you guess wrong I draw a picture a man hanging.”
If you’re with me when I die, remember 2 things:
1) Do Not Resuscitate
2) Smash Phone on Ground
Science memes
Me, at 21: I’m going to try a new hobby this year!
Me, at 28: I’m going to try a new career this year!
Me, at 35: I’m going to try a new spot on the couch this year
Some of my best friends are shaped like pills.
It’s bullshit that Popeyes doesn’t sell spinach salad
Hell hath no fury like a 5 yo who doesn’t want his brother to stare at him in the car.
favorite tropes as memes
Customers love saying “I’ll have one of these” while pointing at a sign I can’t see.
Why did Kermit The Frogs name feel the need to clarify he was a frog?
I hate when people say “think again.” Buddy, I wasn’t even thinking in the first place.
God gives his toughest battles* to his strongest soldiers.
*I have to log back into Hulu on my TV.
when you wait until you’re practically crowning to take a pregnancy test
A spider crawled out of the head of broccoli I was washing and that’s what I get for not ordering pizza
Him: Didn’t you buy that apple pie yesterday?
Me: Yeah, so?
Him: There’s one small piece left.
Me: And if you touch it, I’ll stab you.
genie: u can’t have unlimited wishes
me: i wish for unlimited genies
genie: son of a
I downloaded “ambient coffee shop” track. Just low talking, dish clanking, & one lady yelling “Finn. Look at mommy. FINN. You want a scone?”
Not gonna lie, I’m pretty proud of this one.
There’s no “i” in team. Unless you’re illiterate. Then there’s an “i” in everything. More creim in mi cofii pleis
If I ever find someone I love as much as pizza…
…I will kill them. Nobody comes between me and pizza.
Mouse astronaut, six seconds after setting foot on the moon: I have been lied to
I told my kids to sit Kriss Kross applesauce and now they’re jumping
I just got an email offering “free bible verses”. You know, because who can afford bible verses?
When you finally get the courage to get on the scale after avoiding it for a while it’s called “bweighvery.”