“Thanks for saving my life” said no toddler ever
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You should always read labels. I was about to eat this rat poison but then saw it has gluten in it. I could have died,
You wish you had this many chins.
“Not Waldo, Not Waldo, Not Waldo, Not Waldo, Not Waldo, Not Waldo, Not Waldo, Not Waldo, Waldo, Not Waldo”–Where’s Waldo Audiobook
Caught my son on an archaeology website looking at dirty pitchers.
“HONEY, MY TOOTHBRUSH IS MOVING!”
“Has it got ears?”
“YEAH.”
“Tail?”
“YEAH.”
“Is it the dog?”
“I THINK I KNOW THE DIFF–AH IT BIT ME AGAIN!”
Apparently, when you have an open relationship you’re supposed to inform your partner. But this is new for both of us, especially her.
Wife: I left the kids with you for a half hour & they dumped 3 pounds of sugar in the dryer trying to make cotton candy.
Me: Did it work?
BOSS: Don’t just stand there.
ME: Bust a move?
BOSS: What?
ME: Nothing, I’ll go make some copies.
*gleefully prepares egg salad sandwiches for milestone birthday party of office nemesis*
Health status:
Moved on from WebMD and now watching House for any ideas.
I met my wife on Tinder. She was furious.
Did you fall out of a vending machine?
Cause you look like a snack!
Counting my teeth with my tongue. Not happy. Getting an odd number.
I bet you 5390.24$ you can’t guess how much money I owe my parents.
Me trying to walk in a dream
Spanish for wife – “esposa”
Spanish for handcuffs – “esposas”
Well played, Spanish
You can tell I come from a long line of hunters the way I cunningly stalk the rare Totino’s Frozen Pizza.
Who wants to be my Valentine?
If aliens come I hope they bring us a new animal to eat. I’ve about had it with beef and chicken.
I just want to be rich enough to hire someone whose job is to intercept callers and visitors and say “he’s in no condition to see anyone right now”
Whenever a character in a book praises the cleverness of another character’s idea, it’s really just the author praising their own idea.
*forces square peg into round hole
Round hole: wrong hole.
What’s that? You want to hear my impression of an owl that repeats itself?
Well I couldn’t give two hoots.
ME: I’m giving you to the count of three
SON: does he have a castle?
Anyone: what’s your favorite color?
Me: cheese
wife: Did you help him with his math homework?
me: No
wife*shows me his paper where he answered every question with “This is stupid”*
me:Yes
I always double-check our garage door is closed at night. I don’t want someone stealing all the stuff we’ve been trying to get rid of for years.
when I was younger and an attractive woman’s gaze lingered, it would be a huge confidence boost – now I’m like shit is my shirt on inside out
Lied on my resume and said I could code. Boss asked me to take on a project. I paid a guy in Karachi $80 to do it overnight, then told my boss it would take a month.
We’ve done this four times now.