Did you know there’s a type of spider that eats snails and uses the shell as armor to attack birds? That’s not true. I’m sorry.
You Might Also Like
It is all a lie. Folding laundry does NOT get you laid. I do mine all the time and yet there is not a knock at my door…
GOP in 2008: Obama is Hitler!
GOP in 2012: Obama is Hitler!
GOP in 2016: Ok Hitler actually had some cool ideas
Im going out tonight with my new friends, dont wait up!
*runs into the sunset with a pack of wild squirrels*
A car with a car rack looked like a police car, so I slowed down, only to realize I had been tricked into obeying the law FOR NO REASON.
[unleashes dog at dog park]
me: don’t embarrass me now
dog: i won’t*sees pretty girl*
me: hi, i’m–
dog: he drinks wine through a straw
Son, your father and I have something to tell you – you were adopted. Your new parents are waiting outside in the car.
Wife: So you write tweets about us?
Me: Sometimes
Wife: Do you embellish them to make them interesting?
Dwayne Johnson: I bet he does
Me: Stay out of this, The Rock
Me: *Buys nutribullet* will this baby take down a vegan?
Cashier: No, it’s not an actual bu…
Me: *loads nutrigun*
Cashier: What the heck?
I know you didn’t sneeze. I said “God bless you” because your baby is ugly.
Son: I have to bring a giraffe to school tomorrow
Hub: *types in zoo coordinates & grabs keys*
Me: He means a graph
Hub: I GOT THIS HONEY
I am not a show off and don’t brag about going to expensive places, but just left the gas station with the tank full. 😆
Sick of people calling me “The Jigsaw Killer.” Sure, I kill people. I also like jigsaw puzzles. But those two things don’t define me
*me swallowing my fourth wet t-shirt*
This contest is hard
If you have twin girls and don’t dress them like in “The Shining” and make them stand in hallways, you’ve squandered a precious gift.
stop it stop it don’t cook him stop
If I was a marriage counselor, I’d just make the couple log on to any dating app for 2 min.
Sees cute guy in the parking. Drops something so I can bend over & do the sexy hair flip. Forgets I have short hair. He sees me as seizing.
There is no worse place to receive bad news than sitting in a beanbag chair.
Scientist proclaim “This is our last hope” as they load cats into a giant old timey cannon pointed at an asteroid not hurdling toward earth.
Parenting means begging your kids to leave you alone for 5 minutes only to freak out when it’s been 10 minutes and realizing that you don’t know where they are.
My neighbour’s wife left him last week.
She said she was going out for milk and never came back.I asked him how he was coping.
He said, “Not bad. I’ve been using some of that powdered stuff”.
Just thinking about how hard lockdown was for people with secret families
It stops being sexy if you wait 14 hours to reply back.
[First day studying philosophy]
Professor: I like to start up each class by sparking a debate. You. You over there. Say something that we can discuss.
Me: Me?
Professor: Yes.
Me: Err… Err… Does a hotdog ever become a colddog?
Professor: Actually, not you. Someone else.
Special shout out to the CIA, who were pouring cold water on people BEFORE the “ice bucket challenge” made it cool
*flipping through the cheesecake factory menu*
i love re-reading my favorite book
british twitter be like “oi, you bought a blue tick for 11 pounds innit m8 🤣”
If you can’t be fun to be around then please be a drug dealer
do you think when firefighters blow out their birthday candles it’s just like more work to them