My wife wants me to take a walk with her today. I’ll be on a short leash though so I won’t run off into the woods like last time.
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If I was ever told to “dress to impress” my first thought would be to get the Batman suit out
I found something called bath bombs in the cabinet and honestly I had no idea we were even at war with the tub
the first 10 minutes of going to anyone’s place in LA is them trying to calm down their dog while telling you this never happens
Drink this wine, it’s the blood of Christ.Eat this bread, it’s the body of Christ.Jesus pulls out hotdog, “Now hear me out”
I could save myself a whole bunch of time if I could just remember to take the cap off of my lip balm before using hand lotion.
I want to do the #nakedchallenge to see my boyfriend’s reaction, I just need a tiktok account and a boyfriend
Me: I wish Inigo Montoya appeared everytime “literally” is misused and did his “You keep saying that word“ bit
Genie: That ones on the house
If you accidentally drop a roll of toilet paper while sitting down, it will roll approximately 65 feet away from you.
Science.
WIFE: OMG how did grandma’s ashes get knocked off the mantel?
ME: Actually I think it was-
*cat makes throat slice gesture*
-the wind
When I was a kid: why do athletes retire in their 30s they’re still so young
Me in my 30s now: *trying to get up from a couch* yep ok
Did my parents think they could just blindly support my choice to wear Capri pants at age 13 without there being any consequences?
*First person to ever eat Chicken*
Friend: So what does it taste like?
FPTEEC: It’s hard to say!
“Mom, I promise I won’t interrupt your nap.” “Thanks honey, could I finish peeing by myself?”
God: where’s your horn
Unicorn: i sold it for drugs
God: throw this fucken horse in jail–the invention of zebras
What happens in the microwave, stays in the microwave.
Saw a deer in our yard & I know it’s not a big deal but before moving our only yard wildlife was a family of city opossums & our dogs kept bringing the babies playing-dead in the house & I had to remove a lot of not-dead opossums cuz my husband is a chicken
So…a deer was nice
i need one of those jobs they have in sitcoms where it pays my rent but interferes with exactly zero of my social plans or situations
So it turns out you can eat cranberry sauce when it’s not Thanksgiving and nothing happens. You don’t get arrested or anything.
I love raking all the leaves in my yard into a big pile then running really fast and jumping to conclusions when people don’t text me back.
Two years ago I became a proud father. My son is 6, but he was kinda lame those first four years.
Me: *sets alarm for 7am*
Brain: Sounds important! I’m going to go ahead and wake you up three hours early
If you added too much cornstarch I feel bad for you hon
I got 99 problems, but a bisque ain’t one
So I have one coworker who uses “irregardless” and another who uses “unappropriate” and now I’m over trying to conversate with these people.
My boss: *flicks ash off cigarette* So I says to her, I says “Relax, babe, I only objectify hot chicks. You’re safe” lol
HR: *scribbling furiously* Slow down, I don’t want to miss any- AARGH! HAND CRAMP!
Car names fall into two groups: those that basically say, “I’m pissed off with traffic jams so I’m gonna blow out of here and head off by myself down a dirt road.”
…And those that say “I’m elegant, civilized, and artistic.”
*sips coffee*
*thinks to myself as I walk away*
Carol seems grumpy today…
*takes another sip from Starbucks cup that says “Carol”*
* Finds what I’m looking for
* Can’t remember why I was looking
Raisins are just grapes pretending not to be past their “sell by” date
My twins’ pre school taught them both how to sing Baby Shark in French so I’m just checking do I sue for double the amount or…
Have single guys scared of the “Friend Zone” even heard of long-term relationships or marriage?