A great tip. #CakeRex
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Having sex is like riding a bike. Specifically, like that scene in Pee-wee’s Big Adventure where everyone in the world has a bike except you
Thanks for the awesome options, autocorrect
“Do you think I reference dinosaurs too much when I write?” I asked.
She was silent, like the p in pterodactyl, but it said everything.
Her: Something’s changed in here.
Me: I put a new bulb in.
Her: Well it’s not very bright
Bulb: Okay wow I’m like right here.
Friend: what are you doing for VD?
Me: taking antibiotics and drinking cranberry juice
Friend: Valentine’s Day…
Me, leaning in: taking antibiotics and drinking cranberry juice
Ramadan month is exhausting. You have to wait all day to Instagram your food.
if the moon landing really happened then where did the moon land?? i don’t see it anywhere you think you’d notice it i mean it’s at least 5, 6 feet wide
Me: You ate all the cookies and your sister got none. What does that tell you?
4-year-old: I won.
I threw up my hands in disgust last night.
Knew I shouldn’t have eaten them.
don’t cry don’t cry don’t cry don’t cry don’t cry don’t cry don’t cry don’t cry don’t cry don’t cry don’t cry don’t cry don’t cry
– me taking a joke
If people on Twitter found a horses’ head in their bed at least 3/4 of them would get a selfie with it before calling the cops…..
My cat is walking a very fine line between being cute & being sold to the Korean restaurant down the street.
shoutout to my mom who has reused the same Christmas gift bags for so long she just found a gift card to the Cheesecake Factory from 1999.
[gets cut off in traffic]
my friend, you’ve made a very powerless & easily distracted enemy
Step down to the next rung of our ever-lowering journalistic standards.
Either Mercury is in retrograde or I made a series of poor choices that have since born fruit, but who can argue with the planets?
step 6: release the wall snake
[sprays air freshener so my date can’t tell i just took a shit]
uber driver: what was that
Maybe you owe the rhythm some money and that’s why it’s trying to get you.
WE DON’T KNOW!
Age 28: forgets to wash face & moisturize, wakes up w/ smudged sexy eye make-up
Age 38: forgets to wash face & moisturize, wakes up a dragon
If youre a serial killer & you dont call your murder shack a ‘bloodshed,’ well I’ve just about given up on you
3: Please move
Me: You said that very nicely, but the dog doesn’t speak English
3: Woof Woof
“Londoners need to be more afraid”
Nah, we’re British, we only panic about a light snow or finding out we’re out of milk.
It’s amazing how many people can hit pine trees and drive with them still hanging on their car roofs. Like nothing happened.
How much mint do I have to muddle into this mojito for it to count as a serving of vegetables?
[Beautiful woman doing bench press at the gym]
HER: four… five… *struggling* a little help please
ME: six
“Up for anything unless my gout flares up.”
– from my dating profile
I told my husband to tell me I don’t need chips and salsa at 11 pm and he had the NERVE to say, “You don’t need chips and salsa at 11 pm.”
Nephew: Do you like Minecraft?
Me: [trying to seem cool] I am interested in how mines are built, yes.
drunk driving may kill a lot of people, but it also helps a lot of people get to work on time, so, it;s impossible to say if its bad or not,