[gets intuitive notification]
you know what, apple watch, I think I will finish that outdoor walk from 2011
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Mary had a little lamb. The doctors are all really confused.
You vacation in America but you refuse to tip? Well what if I came to France but refused to genuflect before the town cheese wheel?
*uses Sharpie to write, “do not drop” on your newborn’s forehead before handing it back.
Day 126 with no sex. I’ve lost hearing in my right eye
Just once I’d like to meet a person whose job is to make captchas so I can slap him in the face for making my life difficult.
It’s faster just accepting that a fish learned to walk and then everything got weirder.
Flat earthers be like ‘you wanna go bowling’ and then start throwing frisbees at the pins.
*first day of pilot school*
Teacher: Did you read the class description wrong?
Me: No, why do you ask?
The parrot on my shoulder: No, why do you ask?
Perfect pizza run just now. Every light was green, every merge clear, cop chasing me got in an accident, I couldn’t believe my luck.
Coworker: will I be seeing you at the office ugly sweater party?
Me: no, I’m not ugly
Protip: If a coworker tells you they had a dream about good versus evil, don’t ask which one were they.
Adding “and shit” to the end of a sentence to make it sound cooler and shit.
(God creating coyotes)
God: Make them look like dogs.
Angel: Exactly like dogs?
God: But with a meth problem.
3yo and I were in a store & she pointed at a toy purse shouting ‘I want a pretty pursey!’ but her ‘r’s’ aren’t well pronounced so I never went back to that store again
Once in third grade I karate kicked at a popular girl because she was making fun of me and my shoe flew off and went directly into her mouth. So, yes, I guess you could say I know a thing or two about martial arts.
I was once accused of stealing money from work. I didn’t do it but it was nice to know management also thought I wasn’t getting paid enough.
What if Harambe was shot by a time traveler trying to prevent Planet of the Apes
When someone compliments you, etiquette dictates that you respond with “That is accurate.”
me: *jumping out of a cake*
guy in next urinal: DUDE
*aggressively puts Hello Kitty stickers on random Harley Davidsons*
My 5yo asked me where his shoes were and when I told him I didn’t know he told me “that’s not a good enough answer daddy” so where is he keeping all that audacity?
me: [running from the police] you’ll never catch me!
cop: [unplugs the treadmill]
My husbands signature move is running to town “real quick” and coming home 5 hours later.
(meeting somebody for the first time and panicking)
[cute guy approaches at bar]
Him: Hey can I…
Me: [blushing] Yes?
Him: Can I get a pic of you for my mom? You look just like my grandpa.
when someone is trying to explain crypto to me for the third time and i’m trying to imagine their death in the most super-creative way possible
Sharks: [losing teeth]
Tooth fairy: please stop
We haven’t seen the full damage this epidemic will cause, that will happen in about five to seven months with all of the gender reveal parties.
The paper defeats rock explanation that the paper will wrap around the rock has always been lame. The rock is just as dangerous with paper wrapped around it; it is not defeated.
What I say: Sorry baby, they were out of bubblegum flavored medicine…Grape, will have to do.
What my child hears: I don’t love you, never have…Now drink your poison.