“dont get conned into spendin our lottery money”
i wont
[calls wife back]
will 2 sharks fit in our pool?
“NO”
ok
[to salesman]
one shark pls
You Might Also Like
[walking her home after the first date]
She: I love long walks
[Trying to impress her]
I have to walk everywhere cause I can’t afford a car.
[grocery store]
MOM: omg where’s my kid??!
KIDNAPPER: [retired] cereal aisle
MOM: oh thank heavens
Me: A problem shared is half solved.
Invigilator: sit in the front.
5: I can count to 90!
Me: Really? Show me!
5: Ok here we go…
1
2
3
4
5
6
7
8
9
10
11
12
13
14
15
16
17
18
90Me: Nailed it.
All I’m saying is, there are too many songs about love and not enough songs about evenly layered nachos.
Thinking about getting real into bonsai trees. It seems like an expensive hobby that I’ll lose interest in almost immediately, which is right in my wheelhouse
Now that 1 in every 3 people cheats in their relationships,I’m left wondering. . .Is it my wife or my girlfriend that’s cheating?
you can hear the blood in your veins if you listen varicosely
Shah Jahan built the Taj Mahal as a tribute to his wife but sure, the book shelf looks great.
[on a date with a european]
Hmmm fascinating. Can you tell me about what 400 year old blood feuds your family is involved in?
I told my wife I wanted a ferret, and the very idea made her so mad that for a second I thought I had mistakenly brought home a ferret.
If Oasis teamed up with Blur they’d be Mirage.
I feel like the person who named pink eye also named orange juice.
[me as a magician]
ME: *pulls rabbit from hat*
AUDIENCE: ooohhh!
ME: *pulls knife from hat*
AUDIENCE: OOOHHH!!!
ME: *pulls sautée pan from hat*
AUDIENCE: NNOOOOOO
*holds pen ready*
“How many zeros in one million?”
“Six”
“Ok, thanks”
*writes milli000000n*
Sweetie, I didn’t mute you. I turned the quality filter on and then all your tweets disappeared.
My husband told me I’d better stock up on my wine in case we get quarantined. Maybe he really does still care about me.
Me: New rule, if you leave the dinner table without saying “Excuse me,” we will assume you’re done and I will eat the remaining fries right off your plate.
9yo: should we tell 5yo once she gets back to the table?
Me: (speaking through a mouthful of 5yo’s fries) nah
People who say ‘have a nice day’, like I planned this shit show
Sneaking into my neighbour’s home just to raid the kitchen and then accidently setting the house on fire is how I will end up in prison.
When I get the vibe from someone that fitting in is super important to them my first instinct is to bite them.
Perfume is designed to be an invisible accessory.
It’s not designed to instantly kill the canary when you entered the room.
My 4yo pretended she was a hired cleaner yesterday as. As she helped me clean she asked if I had any kids. After telling her about my 2 I asked if she had any of her own. Turns out she has 5 kids and has been married to a man named Carlin for 30 years. You think you know someone.
love that every recipe article begins extended background context now. i came here to learn how to cook, but now i’m 6 pages deep into pancake lore. it’s the lord of the rings’ appendices for the modern age.
My kids forgot the name of the game Marco Polo so they are currently playing Mario Luigi at the pool.
Bruce Willis and the pug are lying on hospital beds, hand in paw. The pug’s kidneys are failing and despite science & logic,Bruce is a match
[date]
Me, struggling to pronounce things on the menu: I’ll just have the chicken nouj-
Date: nuggets
My friends just had a baby and they named him Frank. He’s 3 days old and he can fix a leaky tap.
If you’re 25 please stop saying you’re tired. I have bananas older than you.
I once stayed in a motel that was so seedy, the Bible in the drawer only had 7 commandments