It’s like my pet hippo doesn’t even realise it’s my pet.
DOCTOR: Please be quiet while I stitch up your face.
You Might Also Like
Mom, I have a runny nose I don’t need a rectal thermometer.
Plus, I’m 35
[First date] You didn’t google the menu before you came to the restaurant? This isn’t going to work.
The part in Forrest Gump where the rich guy decides to quit running and leave his followers out in the desert reminds me a lot of politics
Welcome to your fifties, Saturday Night Fever now means lots of rest, cold medicine and chicken noodle soup.
Just got an email from dominoes said “easy and delicious” they sure know how to talk to a single guy!
*at adoption center*
“Okay yeah they’re all great and all, but which one is the most photogenic for Facebook and stuff like that”
INTERVIEWER: u put “whiskey” as a reference?
ME: ope i thought it said preference
Finding $5 you didn’t know you had is awesome til you realize you’re 34, it’s 2011 & $5 won’t even buy enough gas to drive you off a cliff.
Who, you ask, turns the AC on during a polar vortex? Sociopaths, fascist dictators, my boyfriend.
Parents, make your children study or they will end up on twitter trying to sell you something
cop: do you know why i pulled you over
me: can you just shoot me please
You can’t hurt me. You’re not my mouth full of ice water after chewing mint gum
I love working puzzles with my 5yo. Especially when she cries that she can’t figure out where the pieces go then yells at me when I try to help.
I don’t know much about physics, but I do know that cookout smoke will blow in whatever direction people are sitting.
I think I speak for everyone when I say how dare you, Oreo serving size, how dare you.
“Dad, these glasses make everything look much bigger!”
*Snatches glass and hands to my wife
THERAPIST: tell me about your childhood
THE PREDATOR FROM ALIEN VS PREDATOR: well, when I was a child predator…
THERAPIST: ok, first let’s talk about phrasing
This might be me.
Follow me for more tips.
tornados are just a bunch of ghosts fighting over a cow.
I tried to contact Joan Rivers through my ouija board, and a message came back: “If I wasn’t already dead, your outfit would’ve killed me”.
I’LL SAY WHEN I’VE HAD ENOUGH! KEEP ‘EM COMING, BARTENDER!!
*handing me another espresso*
The term is barista, ma’am.
Avoid cars that have a sign saying ‘baby on board’. That driver has only had a couple of hours sleep and is likely to be suicidal.
Priest: You May now kiss the bride.
Goth couple: *scowls*
Priest: *Sigh* You may Now bestow one final graven kiss upon this queen of winter throned.
Today is national pet day. There is no touching of people in national pet day. I know this now.
the worst part about getting murdered has to be meeting a new person
Apparently you can’t just drop your ex off at the morgue just cause they are dead to you.
My fingers are still red from the one Hot Cheeto I ate 17 years ago.
A baby came out of my stomach and I was all “weird, I don’t remember eating that…”
If sleeper cells advertised themselves as napping cells, they’d see a huge increase in membership.