To me, being Single means never having to apologize..
Unless someone drops by my disgusting house unannounced
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Why do people say “no pun intended,” when they could just say, “pununintended?”
Uncle Frank’s will stipulates he be cremated & his ashes added to the vegetable water sprayers at the local grocery store.
He will be mist.
babe can i sit under your desk and distract you with my mouth while you work? *starts chewing electrical cords*
Be the change!!
*loosely falls to the floor*
*quarter spins*
Guy on this bus just congratulated his friend for having a birthday. Indeed, congratulations are in order for this unique accomplishment
Dogs “play sneeze” to show they’re playing and not being aggressive.
What better way to break the ice with your next eHarmony date?
WIFE: I’ve child-proofed the house
*our child walks in*
ME: Yeah, great job, Linda
advice to my younger self: dont bang that old man on his helicopter he’s not joe biden
Me: What’s your strongest weakness?
Candidate: …
*Realises stupid question & thinks of cover up
M: It’s a trick question. You’re hired!
You: how are you?
Me: I want to rip off my skin, scream for six hours, then swan dive off a bridge.
You: what?
Me: Good. I’m good.
First date the man should pick up the bill. In the absence of a bill look for William instead.
[Hot Wheels cars zooming through entire house] “I SWEAR TO GOD KAREN IF YOU DISCONNECT ANY PART OF THIS TRACK I’M DIVORCING YOU”
[showing off scars]
ME: *lifting shirt* I’ve had this one for as long as I can remember
HER: that’s your bellybutton
*Hums Every Breath You Take in grocery line
*Gets arrested for stalking 3 people
Him: Mmm, tell me what you like, baby
Me: I like turtles
“911 what’s ur emergency”
I… stabbed someone
“What? Why?”
He walked up to me and was all like HAPPY MONDAY
“Is he dead?”
No
“Stab him again”
I once confused a tube of superglue with a tube of lube.
It was horrible.
My model plane kept slipping apart
men’s fashion peaked in 1838
Apiarist: Don’t! Stop!
Bee: *leaving*
Just watched a guy in a shirt that read “Jedi I am” trip on a curb and fall.
Jedi you are not sir
I wonder if those folks that wrote “Never change!” in my yearbook regret their choice of words.
A lady from the Texas tax office just told me that there was no way I could screw up the form I need to fill out. I feel like that’s just a failure of imagination on her part.
“Did you ask if it was haunted?”, my husband asks as he heads out the door to pick up a set of drawers I found on FB marketplace.
My favorite part of the gym is leaving. And girls in stretch pants.
Me: Still thinks I’m young and hip
Also me: Drives 30 miles in the wrong direction with my turn signal on the entire time
Waits for the worst possible time to tell you that they have to pee…
~Kids
DOG 911: what’s the emergency?
DOG: a boy threw a ball but I can’t find it
DOG 911: did u check his hand?
DOG: of course I checked hi—DAMMIT
People who put a strip of bacon on a donut, where does it end? You wanna put a braised lambshank on my cupcake? Why don’t I open up my chocolate croissant and you can shove a live trout in it
Car commercials are so insane, like hey we’re going to the mountains to chase owls in our kia sorento, alright take it easy penelope.
Please, sir, my system. It’s very nervous.