I only date men who have cats because they’ve been pre-trained to try and figure out what you want if you just stare at them long enough.
You Might Also Like
Will I understand F-35 if I haven’t seen F-1 thru F-34?
Burger King is preparing to introduce a new turkey burger. Pigeons are beginning to disappear.
Dear millionaires,
If you don’t have a bookcase that spins into a secret room then give your money to me because you’re spending it wrong.
*coroner takes picture of my body after I’m brutally murdered*
Me: delete it
Me: look who came by for a little sucky sucky
Vampire: don’t say it like that
My newly married friend begins most sentences with, “My husband said.” My go to response is, “My dogs haven’t said much today.”
*leaving a wedding*
me: her dress was really beautiful
husband: whose?
me:
husband:
me: the…the bride’s
If I could have dinner with anyone alive or dead I would just have two dinners.
“let’s run away together” babe no we have dishes to do
Girls like guys who take charge: ask her out, plan a date, take a hostage, overthrow a government, nuke her ex’s hometown, buy her a puppy
Big fight at Bible group. Jeff said Jesus was a liberal and Cheryl said Jeff gave her chlamydia
Top three meanings of “I was just joking”
3. I was just joking.
2. That sounded worse than I thought it would.
1. She looks angry, abort!
*rip*
stupid
*rip*
automatic
*rip*
STOP
*rip*
GIVING
*rip*
ME
*rip*
PAPER
*rip*
TOWELS
*rip*
Kinda bullshit that there wasn’t a giant, aggressive shrimp character in Finding Nemo named Genghis Prawn.
[at work]
me in my 20’s: I DONT NEED LUNCH I HAVE MOTIVATION AND AMBITION TO ENERGIZE ME
me now: listen, if i don’t eat lunch at this exact second i will actually die
Him: Can you forgive me?
*mental montage of me trying to figure out who this guy is*
Me: Yes, but I’m really hurt so please give me time.
What were you doing in the shower for so long?
Me: Just shaving my legs and definitely not pretending to be in a sad music video in the rain
I feel like Indiana Jones every time I go looking for keys in my purse.
*guy struggling to pick his teeth with a toothpick*
Narrator: Don’t you wish there were a better way?-commercial for business cards
Mark Zuckerberg came up with the idea for Facebook when he was at a party & a racist uncle wrote a bible quote on a painting then poked him
99% of my socks are single. You don’t see them crying about it.
If I were British I would carry around a monicle and drop it whenever I was horrified
Smooooooth
Everytime I see an odd screw on the floor somewhere I think one of my loose ones has finally come out.
Sneaking out of the house is a skill I’ve used way more as a mom than I ever did as a teenager.
When he really likes something I’m eating or drinking my 3yo will say “let’s pretend it’s mine now!” which is just a really cute way to steal my shit.
I don’t know who needs to hear this, but those single unmatched socks that have been on top of your dryer for years have a better chance of finding a mate than you do.
But if I go out, who is going to stick their finger in the cat’s mouth and ruin his yawns?
Cop: I have bad news. It’s your son. You need to come down to the mortuary
Mom: But…how?
Cop: Maybe get a cab?