This mom was judging me cause I was taking my kids to McDonald’s and I thought it was so cute she thought I gave a shit.
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When you want your ball, but you don’t want to get wet
🎾💧💦
Adulting so well today. Managed to make the bed while i was still in it.
Now to figure out how to get out, without messing it up.
Capricorn is just regular corn wearing cute little short pants.
Before kids: My mind is a steel trap.
After kids: My mind is a steel colander.
A little advice… Simply set the microwave to 9 minutes instead of 90 seconds, and you too can ruin your lunch, just like me.
Medusa’s hair is made of snakes. Does the carpet match the drapes?
“Mysterious, cerebral, suspense, drama”
Netflix are you describing a movie or my last boyfriend?
No man left behind.
No stone left unturned.
No donut left uneaten.
me: I’m working on a romcom about mansplaining
agent: what’s it called
me: Actually Love
The best part about Halloween is seeing people in costume doing normal shit. Just saw a Dracula standing by a car eating potato chips.
I was watching a show for about 10 minutes, and this lady was listing all of these great things to do for fun. Then I realized that it’s one of the religious channels, and she was reading a list of sins
Instead of sending friends Christmas cards, is it ok If I return the ones I got and just add the words “Me too”?
just thinking about how I had a convo with a dude who said he thinks he’s allergic to almonds bc they make his tongue itch but chocolate is a good anti-inflammatory because his tongue doesn’t itch when it’s chocolate covered almonds…
I basically have 3 hairstyles…
Straight.
Wavy.
Homeless.
I would never cheat in a relationship
because that would require two people finding me attractive.
Yeah but the way I see it is, I have the rest of my life to exercise but this 350 pack of Oreos from Costco expires in December of 2017.
How to get a girl to like you:
1. Become a lion tamer
2. Release a lion on her
3. Tame it right before it kills her
4. Take her to Chili’s?
Walked into the bathroom and it sounded like someone was powerlifting in one of the stalls. That, or an exorcism.
Sometimes I’m playing a dangerous game like Halo & people ask if I get scared but honestly no, your training just takes over
My snack didn’t taste very good.
Now I’m gonna hafta cleanse the palate w a large buffalo chicken pizza for lunch
I know. Life’s tough.
Unless you’re turned on by a description of a homeless person under a bridge don’t ask me what I’m wearing.
Me: Do we really have to share my dessert?
Her: Don’t worry, I eat like a bird.
3-year-old: I want more milk.
Me: What’s the magic word?
3: *enraged falcon screech*
Close enough.
Me: OK now i need fresh fruit
Grocery app: Here’s melon flavored candy.
Me: No fresh fruit
Grocery app: Got it. Fruit snacks.
did I “kill a plant” or did the plant not have what it takes to thrive in this fast-paced environment
wife: I know we had plans tonight but I’ve been stuck in traffic for an hour and I just want to come home and relax
me [unaware that we had plans] Ok
This is a bargain. I’ve always paid at least $5.
Why are there never any GOOD side effects? Just once I’d like to read a prescription bottle that says, “May cause extreme sexiness.”
8-year-old: *shows me the sample of her school picture*
Me: Why do you look so angry?
8: I was getting my picture taken.