When Papa Roach sang “This is my last resort” he was on a disappointing vacation, and he’s avoided resorts ever since.
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I wonder if Sallys parents were like “Yeah great idea Sally. Sell seashells. On the seashore. Where there are tons of free shells. Idiot.”
You think if I tell my dad “30 is the new 20” he’ll start paying all my bills for me again like he did 10 years ago?
Parents yelling “I’m not going to ask you again” at their kids, will definitely be asking them again
Going forward I’m only saying I love you to cheeseburgers.
“Hello, 911”
Hi it’s Mickey my dog is hurt bad
“Is it Goofy or Pluto?”
I don’t see how-
“Goofy or Pluto?”
Pluto
“Call a vet” *hangs up*
dentist: how much mtn dew have you been drinking?
me: i don’t know why
dentist: because your teeth are snowboarding ok that’s why
February 2020 – *looks at phone to check the date*
April 2020 – *looks at phone to check what day of the week it is*
Someone should have warned me, that when you have kids, they talk to you, like, ALL. THE. TIME.
Sorry to interrupt your party, but I’m a little drunk and need to do the worm across your living room floor.
Beef jerky is great for when you want a healthy, hearty snack and you hate twenty dollars
if i were a 400 year old immortal vampire, i would simply not enrol in a local high school
Can’t believe it’s December again, 2023 seems like yesterday.
Sharks would be a lot less scary if they had ears.
me: ever been sued for enamel cruelty?
dentist: how are you talking out your nose
Now that the government is in charge of sports betting, does that free up the mob to do like…high speed railway construction or universal healthcare?
Imagine falling in love with somebody and finding out they’re uncomfortable making the sex in an abandoned mannequin factory.
My belly don’t jiggle jiggle, it folds.
If salons offered free wine with a wax, Twitter moms wouldn’t have any hair at all.
“You’re beautiful on the inside.”
– Me, to a Twinkie
I don’t care what Bruce Lee said, entering a dragon is just poor advice.
I always hated videos of animals being shot with tranquilizer darts to trap and transport them.
Now, I’m calculating the toddler dosage.
I promised my kids a genuine New Year’s party: I’ll be putting on my biggest earrings and nicest sweat pants standing on a chair in the kitchen and dropping a ball on their heads
*me dressed as the grim reaper*
What d’ye mean I’m not your type?
So creative 😂
ME: You’ve put on weight
DRACULA: No I haven’t. Prove it
ME: When you fly, how many bats do you turn into?
DRACULA: [deep sigh] A shitload
My kids came over for their weekly visit and I said to them: “Life is short so never spend time doing anything you don’t want to do.” They said: “Cool! Bye.”
Lately *certain* individuals have been making very hurtful remarks about my personal choice to wear mittens rather than gloves.
But I don’t like to point fingers.
My sex tape is me laying on the bed trying to zip my skinny jeans from last year.
Date – “I really dig intellectuals”
Me – “oh yeah? well check this out babe”
[counts to 17]
Something Saturday.