[loud bar]
Her: I have to urinate
Me: What?
H: Urinate
M: What?
H: URINATE!
M: Well, YOU’RE a 10!
H: Huh? No! You’re like a 5. I gotta pee.
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I’ve got a “bun” (baby) in the “oven” (oven)
How come cats make the only sexy Halloween costumes? What’s wrong with a sexy llama or a sexy sloth or something?
Good cop: I get it. You wanted an easy way out.
Laptop: Please update Adobe.
I forgot the word “vibrate” so I said I’d set my phone to purr.
Wearing a mask had been helpful as I’ve forgotten where I packed my nose hair trimmer.
“what if your employer sees how embarrassing you are on twitter” sir my employer sees first-hand how embarrassing i am every day
My schedule can get pretty packed – that’s why I like to use Google calendar to keep myself organised. For example [scrolls down for45 seconds] December 25th is Christmas Day
8: When I’m a grown up, I’m going to stay up all night
Me: I’m a grown up and I don’t stay up all night
8: Well I’m going to be a grown up with a lot of energy not a sleepy one like you
my mom making me talk to relatives
Coffee beans are grinding. Even they get more action than I do
“I’VE BEEN KICKED OUT OF CLASSIER BARS THAN THIS,” I scream at my house
back in ancient times they had to come up with gods to explain environmental phenomena, such as lightning, which was said to be from lightning bolts thrown by zeus. now that we have modern science, we know that lightning comes from pikachus
One thing I learned in my 20s is if a landlord or real estate agent tells you an apartment has character, they mean roaches
omg we watched the muppet movie for the first time tonight and my 8yo says “oh, kermit! I like him because he’s from all those memes” as if kermit just appeared one day drinking tea saying but that’s none of my business
My dog can predict when an earthquake is going to happen. But television doorbell versus actual doorbell baffles him every time.
I’m not afraid to go to prison I really need a vacation
Me: I feel good
My Brain: [scrolling through intrusive thought rolodex] “yeah ok, hang on”
In the bathroom:
Me: *Meticulously manscapes*
Plumber: “Please don’t do that while I am in here.”
It’s weird when one person from your college friend group gets rich but you’ve all stayed in touch & their Facebook posts are like “I have always loved Pearl Jam & it was magical to see them perform on my back patio for my birthday!!!”
“This is literally the worst beer I’ve ever tasted.”
*finishes six pack*
We’re looking for a place with a nice view of the sidewalk, a big garden to dig up and a soundproof basement for storms.
–Dog House Hunters
COP: Give back the money you stole
ME: Already spent it
COP: On what?
ME: Karate lessons which [does vague swishes w/ hand] I did not attend
My dating history is like Halloween. People pretending to be someone they’re not come looking for handouts, then move on to someone else.
Wanna see awkward?
Hand me a baby.
oh you hate me? name all of my flaws
Him: I have successfully bred the first bald porcupine
Me: How pointless
Today I gave my son some chips from England. He put one in his mouth, made a face, and asked what flavour it was. ‘Roast Beef’ I replied. He promptly spat it out and asked “why would they do that?” Buddy, we’ve been asking Britain that question for 500 years.
“I just tried to make reservations at the library”
You don’t need a res-
“Couldn’t get one though”
Don’t do this
“They were fully booked”
“Mmm, tastes just like chicken!”
-My 6 year old eating a piece of chicken