*pretends to throw ball*
*dog runs to chase it*
Ha, stupid dog.
*dog keeps running, disappears over horizon*
Um
*dog tackles me from behind*
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When people ask if I was dropped on the head as a child, my mother’s face turns red and she changes the subject.
It takes a long time to delete 900 million dollars worth of stuff from an Amazon shopping cart.
Anne Has A Problem
Anne Has A Solution
Anne Has A Will
Anne Hathaway
Now, where’s the sport in that?
You can’t spell fries without friends. I guess what I’m saying is that fries are friends. Delicious friends.
Invisible Obama be like “Uhh. Let me be clear”
Why do they call it shopping for new countertops and not taking me for granite send tweet
Before any important social event or engagement I like to lightly spritz myself with a bit of hollandaise
me: i want a girlfriend so badly
them: u have to start going on dates
me: seems excessive
I have alopecia. I don’t wear a wig at work because it’s a very physical job. I was in the washroom and a customer with children were washing their hands. One child pointed at me and EXCLAIMED
“Mommy is that a boy or a girl?”
So I barked.
🤷🏼♀️
*adds Amazon wishlist link to bio*
Me: And now we wait
[2 days later] *nothing*
[1 week later] *still nothing*
[2 weeks later] Kids: Dad, we’re really hungry now
Me: I said, we wait!!!
“Oh damn, that’s my bus!”
*movie voice*in a world of untold despair one woman will alter fate by staring at a wall
My train of thought is actually just a drunken wedding conga line.
My husband told my daughter he can’t flush his contacts down the toilet because it’s bad for the oceans and she thinks it’s because “humans don’t want sharks to see better.”
Cashier: Next
Me: Why are these fingerless gloves full price?
Cashier: Oh shit it’s you again
Happy Star Trick Day.
May you go forth with the confidence of baby Yoda.
How many tricks you get today anyway?
80% of my day is spent saying “dishwasher” after I hear a kid throw dishes into the sink.
I remember being a kid & excited whenever the doorbell would ring. Now when it rings, I drop to the floor & don’t move like its a bank heist
Ghost Hunters would be a million times better show if it were about HUNTERS who are GHOSTS.
Acting really is the only profession where you can put all your mistakes at work in a fun little blooper reel and people think it’s great. Wouldn’t fly for a plumber would it. Or an anaesthetist
Does anyone else bring a bag of clever disguises to the grocery store in case there’s a wine sampling booth that day?
Please. Old people. When you comment on a Facebook pic you don’t need to end with Love, James. WE CAN SEE YOUR NAME YOU’RE NOT AN OSTRICH
Why are so many pills round? Try making some square so they don’t all roll away onto the floor and under the cabinets.
WIFE: you didn’t use my shampoo again did you?
ME: *shakes my head no but my lustrous hair gives me away*
If really good-looking people are “eye candy” I guess that puts me somewhere around the “eye broccoli” category.
*grabs mic at a funeral* ok now say nice things about me
Kid 1: *super tired, falls asleep early*
Me: *gets hopes up for easy bedtime*
Kid 2: *hold my espresso*
If your one of those people whose not very good at grammar, that makes too of us.
*pulled over by cop*
Cop: Did you know that your tags are expired?
*tags cop*
Me: You’re it!
Cop:
Me running away: Renewed!