Interviewer: says here you have a military background
Me [getting out my phone]: yeah but I changed to a picture of my dog eating spaghetti
You Might Also Like
My father-in-law spent the morning teaching my daughter Spanish, and it was all wrong.
I’d remove my mittens to text you back, baby
-Canadians flirting
[hiding under bed from murderer]
cellmate: I know you’re there
waiter: what’ll it be?
cow: grass
horse: grass
sheep: grass
pig: *adjusting his bowtie* truffles
My neighbour was rushed to hospital today after a wasp landed on his face. It didn’t sting him, luckily I got it first with my shovel.
me: here’s an idea. a dishwasher that ‘beeps’ when it’s finished
CEO: yeah. like, twenty times
me: lmao two or three times is more than enou-
CEO: TWENTY TIMES
me: but-
CEO: T̶̨̮̲̱̎͐̾͒͑W̴̨̺̭͛͗͆̀E̸̦̾̇͗͝Ṅ̴̦̪̿̇T̸̩̫̐̾͒Y̷̨͇̯̞̌́́͌ ̵̧̜͚͛̕͘T̶̛̞͑̒͑̅Ḯ̵͚̆̕M̵̫̠͉̀Ë̸͔̝̬́̌̈͘S̶̝̘̓̽͒̒͑-
Spelling out ‘A-L-E-X-A’ so your Alexa device doesn’t respond, is the new, spelling out ‘W-A-L-K’ so your dog doesn’t get excited.
Me: It’s a hat store, but on the blonkchain
*Investor hands me $30 million*
Investor: Wait … did you say “blonkchain”?
Me: *runs*
I picked one hell of a year to stop drinking.
it’s funny they call them “unidentified flying objects”. I could identify them right away. those are ufos
It’s so easy getting women wet, it’s refilling my bucket back up with water quickly enough I find challenging.
Just the best dancing sandwiches.
*holds door for someone*
Them: This weather…
Me: No.
*starts pulling door closed on them*
T: *pulls on door*
Me: *holding door closed*
No.
Oh, you’re an American? Yeah, right.
Name 5 disastrous foreign policy decisions.
Nobody looks that great in a mask but if you have gorgeous eyes and jacked-up teeth this could be your moment.
Sometimes I go to the store for a battery, and come out with cotton balls, spray paint, cereal, and a lamp.
When my son was 3 he had a Guinea pig named rufus. One day he left the cage open & rufus disappeared. I bought a replacement rufus, never told my son & things were going fine until the original rufus showed up and I had to pretend he was rufus’s cousin, roger from philly.
I need someone to hand me a cup of coffee when I wake up so I can have coffee before I make my coffee.
marriage advice: if you ask “is that guy a double agent?” enough times your husband will hand you the remote.
She said she was a cat person…
…but the way she reacted when I pushed her off the bed told a very different story.
Used the words “manic pixie dream boy” in therapy years ago and my therapist had no idea what it referred to and to this day continuously uses a different string of words for it “dream elf pretty boy” “party boy dream something”
“♫ In the circle…“
“Enough already, Stanley.”
“♫ the circle of…“
“You’re making everyone nuts.”
“♫ liiiiiiiife!”
him, leaving for work: we still need to talk about your soap opera addiction
me: *walks away and stares out the window as the rain starts to fall* just go
A mummy comes back to life, and is disappointed to be desiccated and decayed.
“This was a better idea on papyrus”
Turbulence is when the airplane hits someone’s family photos backed up in the cloud.
Me: (filling the medicine cabinet with ping pong balls)
Him: What are you doing?
Me: I invited your family over for dinner tonight.
If my metabolism and serotonin were employees they would have been so fired by now
TwinzerMom: Where’d you go?
Me: For a quick walk. Just kinda the first step on my fitness journey.
TwinzerMom: Must have been a small step
Me: Why do you say that?
TwinzerMom: Well, for starters, there’s powdered sugar in your beard
My goal weight is to stop hearing ‘you have a great personality’