I can’t touch my face so I’ve been letting the cats apply and remove my makeup. They’re getting pretty good at it.
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In Hell, you’re surrounded by people saying ‘suposably’ and ‘irregardless.’
“I don’t expect much so I am rarely disappointed”
– People who haven’t met me yet
Of course I’m more of a yeeeeeee-haaaaaw! than a wooooohoooo! kinda guy because Texan and whatnot.
ccaannnn ssommmeeonnee ttelllll mmmeeee hoowww ttooo ttuurnnn tthiissss ffuckkinnng vviibbrratttoorrrrr ooffff
I don’t understand. I cleaned my bathroom 7 months ago. Why is it dirty again.
My kids got to meet a fireman at dinner last night. How and why they got to meet a fireman is not important.
Parenting explained
Them: Do you know the last time you went to the dentist?
My kids: Look at momThem: How do you want your steak cooked?
My kids: Look at dad
They suggested I elevate my feet and so, I was wondering if your shoulders were available.
My boss: *flicks ash off cigarette* So I says to her, I says “Relax, babe, I only objectify hot chicks. You’re safe” lol
HR: *scribbling furiously* Slow down, I don’t want to miss any- AARGH! HAND CRAMP!
5-year-old daughter: I don’t like my princess shoes with the heels.
Me: Do they hurt your feet?
5-year-old: I can’t run from zombies.
There’s no sticker warning me not to eat this box of nails so I guess I’ll just go for it.
boy, pass me my luxury grilled pregnant smelt
These are my roll models.
beginning to think I may never inherit a chocolate factory
As highly as it’s esteemed, the Mayo Clinic still sounds like the place sick sandwiches go to get better.
[restaurant]
Waiter: *holding pepper mill* say when
Me: huh? why
Waiter: when means stop
Me: oh
Date: how do you not- okay you know what i think we should stop seeing each other
Me: *glances knowingly at waiter* i think you mean we should WHEN seeing each other
When a billionaire dies, who inherits their senators?
Still boggled by the people I know who are going out to bars saying “we can defeat this if we’re not afraid” and I’m like “this isn’t Pennywise it’s a PANDEMIC”
Dr: do you know why you gained weight?
*Flashbacks to eating fries in the car sobbing and blasting Adele*
Me: no, better run some tests
Trying to pass my red flags off as a mini golf course
I am ‘being spanked and told to nap is punishment’ years old
*winks*
*yawns so wide a bird flies into mouth*
*closes mouth*
*looks around to see if anyone noticed*
*swallows bird*
*acts like nothing happened*
I feel kinda affronted you expect me to make these serious decisions in such a short time
Optometrist sighing: Once again, Is it A or B?
Caught my kid forging my signature and I have to say, pretty good for a third grader
Mechanic: that’s gonna cost $2000
Me: how much?
Mechanic: $3000
Me: what did you say before that
Mechanic: I said “that’s gonna cost”
Is that Carl?
Oh hey Carl
My superpower is to wake up more tired than I was when I fell asleep.
I’ve never been into sports so some friends were explaining why they love college football and the intense competition and loyalty and I said “So it’s like the Great British Baking Show but violence instead of cake” and they did not like that extremely accurate comparison.
My uncle used to ruin every Thanksgiving with his drinking problem, but now he found Jesus and ruins it with that.
interviewer: how’s your handwriting?
me: oh not bad
interviewer: what about the other letters?