Nothing says warm summer days like choosing between drinking a bottle of ice-cold kombucha or ranch
You Might Also Like
I saved my husband’s life insurance company 1 million dollars by switching to xanax.
So, is Dora 18 yet, or what? Asking for a friend.
Taking bets on how long my kid will proudly trip over the pillowcase she’s wearing because pants weren’t “fluffy enough” this morning
I’ve got a neighbor who’s really into morons. I should introduce her to you guys.
Kids today don’t even understand you could kill a person with a rotary phone.
They say the human body is 60% water, but after extensive observation of my husband and son, I’d like to submit a revision to the data. Those two are at least 50% wind.
13 just did his laundry without provocation.
I’m sure he wants something, but he’s scaring the hell out of me.
get you someone as goofy as you.. is.
I wish forks had three prongs instead of four. I’d feel so powerful eating with a miniature trident. I want to dominate my food, not give it acupuncture.
Mmmm. Shoeshi
Lying dead in a closed coffin at my funeral, and yet somehow I still manage to spill mustard on my shirt.
Isaac Newton was the pride of the family until his great great grandson Fig was born.
*gets a Fitbit for Christmas*
*puts it on a squirrel*
*comes home from work
*wife jumps in my arms
*sees I’m crying
wife: Why are you crying?
me: You just crushed all the Oreo’s in my fanny pack
All the junk foods you eat through the holidays can bind you up. It happens. But I have a colonoscopy coming soon so the prep will take care of all that.
New Year, new bowels. Gotta look for the bright side.
I’m more comfortable hearing my five-year-old repeat swear words in public than I am hearing him say “uh-oh!” from another room.
I need a new salt grinder but I need one full of just Xanax because salt is bad for you.
[first date at restaurant]
ME: so, do you like dogs?
HER: I’m more of a-
ME: CHECK PLEASE
Have you ever cropped a picture as you texted it; the crop didn’t stick and now your wife is asking who that woman is?
Can I come over. I got the zoomies and you have an open floor plan
This Lyft driver asked my spouse where he was from (Pennsylvania), then said, dead serious, “Y’all got a lotta werewolves up there?”
i like how ppl mess with ouija boards then are all like omg why are demons trying to eat my soul like you did this to yourself bro.
I don’t know who this Rorschach guy is, but he sure likes drawing pictures of my parents not being proud of me!
A fun thing about toddlers is that they will pretend to eat tacos but as soon as you make them for dinner they’re ‘gistusting.’
doctor: your wife’s gone into labor
husband: oh no, I hate unions
[Rome]
CENTURION: please state your date of birth
CITIZEN: May I
CENTURION: yes
CITIZEN:
CENTURION:
CITIZEN:
CENTURION: when is it tho
Legally you’re obligated to say “I’ll be glad when all this construction is finished” any time you drive through construction.
*writing résumé*
Strengths? I’m great at multitasking
*explosion in kitchen*
My popcorn!
*car crashes through fence*
I forgot I was driving!
I remember back in the day when you had to roll up a tiny scroll and give it to a falcon to tweet
Costumes are wasted on halloween. I wanna sit down for Christmas dinner dressed like a giant bug.