teacher: where is your assignment?
me: my dog ate it-
[i see my dog standing outside the classroom window. he draws a line across his throat]
me: i mean there was a fire. a homework fire.
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This is one of the many reasons that I am chubby
A guy walks into a bear and orders a drink. He didn’t notice my typo. Anyway, he’s dead now.
Meteorologist – Be horrible at you job and no one really cares.
Pizza Delivery Driver – Be five minutes late and people lose their minds!
Playdates were invented to force parents to clean their home
I feel pretty confident that I could eat my way out of a vat of mashed potatoes.
Marking my last weekend of living single by finishing off these 19 cans of baked beans
Women are like angels, and when someone breaks our wings, we simply continue to fly……. on a broomstick, we’re flexible like that
She asked me to buy Tampons so I bought Kotex, because that one time I wanted ice cream and she bought frozen yogurt.
doctor: i’m afraid you’re dying of asbestos poisoning.
me: 🙁
doctor: but we’ll treat you asbestos we can.
me: 😂
I saw a hummingbird outside my kitchen window first thing this morning. Guess it forgot the lyrics.
Nobody:
Absolutely nobody:
Me: If I was The Invisible Man, my pronouns would be who/where
I told you these spanx were too tight.
-my tombstone
10 y/o Edison: How many scientists does it take to change a light bulb?
His Dad: What’s a light bulb?
His Mom: IDFK. U tell me, Einstein.
Hey Ben Carson, at this point in your craziness? Just say you’re Iron Man. What could it hurt?
The lady behind me in line at Target was frustrated I was writing a check, so I got out a feather pen and ink bottle and did it right.
Dressing up for Halloween is just a way of saying “I want to be uncomfortable for an entire evening in the hopes of answering the same question a hundred times.”
hey 🙂 if you’re having a good day, i just want you to know that tarantulas can swim
Best vacation spots:
1. My Bed
2. My Couch
3. That corner spot at the bar
4. Air ducts at work
Used a Ouija board as a charcuterie plate and now three people who ate the Brie are dead.
I guess it’s time to start acting my age. Seriously when I was born, the Dead Sea was just sick.
Find someone who looks at you like Roger looks at a barbecue.
beware of dog
I bought a bag of M&M’s and they don’t have M’s anymore. They all have W’s… for woke
[dinner]
DAD: let’s roast this bird
ME: (to bird) the only time you ever got laid was the day you were born
DAD: haha nice
FRIENDS reunion (2016)
RACHEL: [texting from bar] sry smthg came up
CHANDLER: [texting from home] same… work
JOEY: [in LA] wait THIS friday?
HER: Take a shower with me. 😊
ME: Haha no, I always hog the hot water and you’ll get upset.
HER: Please. 😊[5 minutes later]
HER: I’m so cold…
ME: *mouth around the shower nozzle* GLUG GLUG GLUG
[in class]
Me: hey, can I borrow a pen?
Guy: sure, black or blue?
Me [sweating & swelling up]: you got one for bee stings?
WIFE: Don’t tell the kids but I threw away those awful pictures they made & stuck on the fridge
ME: [sprinting towards the bin] MY ART
I bet there is a Home Alone script where the parents purposely leave for the airport without any of the kids.
an alarm clock that repeatedly & loudly makes the sound of a windshield wiper going across a windshield that is not completely wet