three years of jiu-jitsu and I still can’t get out of my wife’s hugs
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Bacon is my favorite dietary supplement.
When I bend down to feed the cat she leaps onto my back.When I try to stand back up it’s the saddest tiny rodeo you’ve ever seen.
[sees kid crying]
Kid: Im lost
Me: that’s ok. We’re all lost. Happiness is an illusion. Life is meaningless. Death is around the corner. Bye
*malia passes me a joint* thanks obama
My new dishwasher takes over two hours to run a full cycle and I don’t know what garbage this is because even my kid can wash dishes faster than that.
Who called it a muzzle and not a hush puppy?
“I’ll go when the cat gets up”
I work hard so that the possum that lives in my garage can have a better childhood than I did
My daughter just asked me if Cinderella’s shoe is such a perfect fit then why did it fall off so I enrolled her in the task force.
The upside to wearing a mask at work is I can yawn in meetings and no one knows. The downside is I yawn so much I look like I’m crying
Doctor: This makes no sense. The ultrasound isn’t finding your baby
Wife: Haha, well I guess we know who he takes after
Waldo: *from behind a curtain* That’s my boy
Me: I should sleep.
Brain: No we must stay on Twitter and correct everyone erroneously identifying a beluga as a dolphin in a meme.
This flying squirrel faked his own death, and created a whole crime scene…for attention. I think I’m in love.
[high school]
Teacher: do u have your homework?
Ryan Lochte: I was murdered last night
Why did it have to be the dog? I have the hubby insured for $1.5 million.
Smartphone owners are the bravest. They’re not afraid of anything not even death.
They can walk into any running truck without giving a damn
I’d just like to share that the Farsi word for ostrich is “shotormorgh” (شترمرغ) which literally translates to “camel-chicken”, and no offense to English, but I think we got this one right.
If I ever want to keep a secret from a man, I’ll put it in the fridge. They can’t find anything in there.
At this stage in my life, I’m chasing a fly in the apartment with my pants around my ankles. All of my decisions in life led to this moment.
I had dreams. I wanted to be the heiress on the terrace. Instead I’m the grouch on the couch.
I walked into a pub with my wife..
The Bartender asked: Would you like a drink for your wife?
I said That sounds like a fair swap
*purposely chooses network with most dropped calls*
I bring our baby to the bar so I can throw her at people and slurp down their cocktails while they’re trying to catch her.
I ordered one of those Tempura mattresses. Way too crunchy.
I must be an amazing singer… My daughter is so moved by the music, she’s rocking and crying in the corner.
Rude lady to me, “Well I’m sorry but you don’t LOOK sick to me.” Me, “Looks can be deceiving. For example, you don’t look stupid.”
[before meditation]
I just wanna kill someone[after meditation]
and I know EXACTLY how
[first date]
Me: I don’t like flowers
Her: orchids?
Me: nope, but it’s a little soon to be talking about starting a family
Remember fellas, always take comfort in the fact that most hot girls are a fuckin pain in the arse
[3am]
Me:
My Dog: time to set the world record for licking noises