[first date]
HER: I really like a man who notices things.
ME: [trying to impress] Your eyebrows make you look like an Angry Bird.
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Astronomers believe a black hole that’s 5 centimeters wide might be orbiting the Sun somewhere beyond Pluto.
We’re not going to try to do anything about it.
And that’s how small problems become large problems.
[family feud]
Steve Harvey: Top 5 answers on the board, name a place you would plant evidence…
Me: *buzzes first* EVIDENCE GARDEN
Oh really? I swallow eight spiders a year in THEIR sleep
Me: What’s the worst date you’ve ever been on?
Date: ugh one guy was a total idiot
Me: Did you end it early?
Date: No I wanna finish this dessert
Movies lied to me as a kid. Not once have I stumbled across a plot to steal nuclear launch codes
“No. No birthdays, Christmas or modern medicine.. But you sure do make great friends going door-to-door”
*Door slams
– Jehova’s Witnesses
Christmas Eve is good because you can shout “DON’T COME IN HERE!!!” and people assume you’re wrapping their presents, rather than just wanting to be left alone.
my bf is so against gender roles that he won’t let me do his laundry. like, he even writes not to do it on the tags. 🙄😅 so babe, if you’re reading this, I know you said Do Not Machine Wash, Dry Clean Only, but I wanted to surprise you! your suit is in the dryer as we speak 🥰💕
I accidentally drank a bottle of invisible ink last night.
I’m in the hospital now, waiting to be seen.
Pharmacy employee you’re too unhappy for someone who is in control of all the drugs.
Dear Fox news,
I have yet to see any news about foxes.
Sincerely,
disappointed viewer.
Why do all zombies have sprained ankles?
Pete Davidson always knows what’s different about you when you ask
Love it when boxers go back to their corner to get advice between rounds. Did you try punching him and not letting him punch you? You did? Then I don’t know what to tell you. Keep doing that but more.
Why, woefully unprepared happens to be my middle name
[text]
11:56 pm
Her: whatcha doin?
Me: taking a shit12:03 am
Her: whatcha doin now?
Me: same shit different day
Them: The meek shall inherit the earth
the meek: *looks around* umm, I’m good
I knew my wife was having a bad day when she put her tampon behind her ear and couldn’t find her cigarette.
i did it God! i finaly got 2 of evry animal
NOAH.THEY HAVE TO BE ALIVE
*noah looks at boat full of dead animals*
do u kno how long this took
Maybe sunscreen is like ketchup to sharks
I’ve been taking anti-performance enhancing drugs and according to my life they’re working really well.
The best part about being thirty is that I’m finally old enough to play a high schooler in movies.
To whoever has my voodoo doll, please stop making her go to work
Therapist: what was it like growing up?
Me: I just [reaches for tissues] kept getting taller.
Hell hath no fury like a little league team when a parent forgets the after-game snack.
Great way to make friends is to pee in the same urinal someone else is already using.
baby cows are called calves bc it’s half a cow. half cow. calf. no more questions
I’m not proud of the person I become when there’s a cheese tray at a party.
A woman was arrested when her boyfriend’s body was found in a freezer in their living room. Who the hell puts a freezer in the living room?
I got a new vacuum that sucks so much, it was directed by M. Night Shamalayan