Closed pistachios are further proof there is no god.
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Don’t let the cargo shorts and flip flops fool you…I’m not the sex symbol you may think I am.
“If I let them stay up late on Friday night, we can sleep in Saturday morning!”
-a strategy that has never worked for any parent, ever.
I’m seriously considering taking up falconry. Someone pisses me off? BAM! Falcon, right in the face.
As your goth coworker, I will change all “Out of order” signs to “Haunted” signs. Sorry, you can’t use that printer- it’s haunted.
ME: I have good news & bad news
WIFE: Bad news first
ME: The baby giraffe broke the TV
WIFE: We don’t have a-
ME: Aaaaand now the good news
Friend meeting my newborn: omg what’s his name
Me: I don’t know he won’t tell us
U know how In a box of chocolates there’s always one disgusting one? That was my idea, I came up w that. “Put a gross one in there” I said
When I had to tediously pull one hundred and forty three bobby pins out of my wife’s hair on our wedding night, I probably should’ve taken that as a sign.
My father always told me “You can accomplish anything you set your mind to.” I must have set my mind to calories.
Farmers are always so proud of themselves until you ask if they can put the milk back in the cow
How does the fire know to exit at those specific doors?
Went a little too hard on leg day at the gym and the next day I couldn’t walk.
Naturally, I lied and told my friends that I met someone…
*wears a clown mask hitchhiking*
Why’s nobody stopping, everyone loves clowns, right?
my dog stole an entire baguette and hid it under her bed so she could eat it in secret and i am only mad bc i did not think of doing that for myself
The “free milkshakes for a month” contest I just won is telling me my month’s supply of shakes is 5 shakes. Yeah 5 should last me a month…
grocery shopping hungry is way more interesting than full, hungry me is down to eat anything and everything
Chinese takeaway – £17
Delivery charge – £1
Realising the idiots have forgot one of your containers – Riceless
*sees window washer in a harness outside office high rise*
*holds up sign from desk*
YOU’RE NOT EVEN FLYING EVERYONE CAN SEE THE STRINGS
They don’t touch my pizza after it comes out of the oven?
So, wait. They used to touch my pizza?
Friday the 13th is still better than Monday the 16th.
Why are ghosts and angels depicted as semi transparent is that what happens when you die they just turn your opacity down
Remember when you were small & all you wanted was a pony but your parents were high on meth & thought the house was already full of ponies?
the first time my brother got covid, he decided to shave his head and tell everyone it was one of the symptoms, which was just so wrong yet so very very funny
if you mesopotamia, you better cleanupotamia
If you’ve ever wanted to change up your name, now’s the time. New name, add a name, doesn’t matter. When you go back to work, it’ll be all Yeah, Tom, I’m pretty sure my last name’s always been Twizzlers.
Zoom Staff Meeting
Boss: Everyone staying fit?
Bob: I have a home gym!
Carol: I have Zoom Cross Fit sessions.
Me: I have a vigorous moisturizing routine.
I’m the kind of guy who peeks under bathroom stalls and asks where you go for taxes.
Police: Sir, you account is hacked.
Me: Twitter?
Police: No, bank account.
Me: Oh, thank god !!
None of the parenting books prepared me for my teen asking me what “the carpet matches the drapes” means.
[nudging the person next to me on the bus until they remove their earbuds]
hey i think i saw a horse a couple miles back