EVERYONE! Single file into the ocean, please.
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My husband would NEVER cheat on me.
He’s too lazy
Sometimes I’ll take such a good picture of someone I’m like “this is definitely making it into the slide show at their funeral.”
Her: Where do you work?
Me (trying to get laid): I’m a Doctor…
Her: *starts choking on food*
Me: …on a TV show
*seductively feeding you chicken wings while you hit on a hot chick
“I’m sorry, I really don’t know what a wingman is supposed to do.”
I can cook up any meal but I can’t peel boiled eggs without them looking like a toddler took bites out of them.
I bet Thor would lose his shit if he knew how many hammers are at Home Depot.
discovered i giggle in my sleep after downloading a sleep app and assume i will soon become a serial killer
Pollen is what happens when flowers can’t keep it in their plants.
[inventing the turtle] put the worst dinosaur in an army helmet
ME: I wish I had a TV camera I can look at in opportune moments
GENIE: um ok
ME: I wish everyone was gullible
GENIE: Done
ME: And I wish for updog
GENIE: What’s updog?
ME: *looks at camera*
My favorite part about talking to my teens is when they give me direct eye contact, listen intently, nod understandingly and then take out their AirPods when I finish and say, huh?
Everything went according to a plan I didn’t have.
Note to the 82 year old widow who won the Powerball jackpot last night:
Sup, girl?
was reading about defunct airlines again and i can’t believe they named it this
I just now realized the guy at the urinal that complemented my watch might not have actually just been looking at my watch.
I love balloons! I keep tying them to my arm, but I think I’m getting carried away.
*putting a top hat on my dog*
Dog: *thinking* Like I don’t already have enough reasons to kill you in your sleep.
After 2020 I’m never going to question why they keep opening up Jurassic Park despite obvious safety issues.
Nah what the hell was going on in the back lmaoo
I’m helping the sharks celebrate their big week by throwing cats into the ocean.
First day as a vampire hunter: This is easy lol
First night as a vampire hunter: oh no
Kid: I don’t like mac-n-cheese anymore.
DENIAL: You still like it.
ANGER: YOU WILL EAT IT!
DEPRESSION: *crying*
BARGAINING: If you eat it, you can have dessert.
ACCEPTANCE: I will make you chicken nuggets.Kid: I don’t like chicken nuggets anymore.
him: *on one knee*
me: you disrespectful piece of–
How to make a grown man cry.
Take him shopping with you.
Someone tried to persuade me to go to a party by saying, “Are you sure? There’s gonna be a lot of people there.” Oh then definitely no
I held up a fist for a CW to bump and she kissed my ring. I am now drunk on power and no one is allowed to make eye contact.
Her: “Is that you in your avi?”
Me: “No, it’s a picture of me.”
HEY PIGS STOP TRYING TO SWALLOW ENTIRE APPLES YOU KEEP DYING
Yup
DENTIST: Looks like somebody has a sweet tooth.
ME: Lol no, that’s just a skittle that got wedged up there.