My husband told me yesterday that his co-worker said I’m gorgeous and considering that I dreamt last night that James Hetfield asked me out, there’s a chance it went to my head.
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(Seductively stripping out of clothes)
Gynecologist: Please stop that.
Instructions that say “keep at room temperature” are stupid because they never tell you which room.
[Beatles recording session]
Ringo: ♫I’d like to be
John: Nice beat
R: ♫Under the sea
Paul: Oh exotic
R: ♫In an octopus’s garden
George: WTF?
Distraught after losing a full carton of milk, I tattooed its photo on my kid’s face, in hope someone recognizes and returns it.
My daughter said “daddy we are not friends with Brooklyn because she said I dress weird”
No questions asked now I got beef with a 4 y/o named Brooklyn and her father.
I dont make the rules to this gang shit. I just play my role.
Sometimes I pretend I’m picking up lunch for the office even tho the KFC workers can clearly see me eating that bucket in their parking lot.
“I refuse to visit shops that gender children’s beds”
“Like a boycott?”
“Don’t you start”
There’s no way to look cool when the doctor walks into your exam room just as you’re blowing up a rubber glove.
Become a parent, so you can be accused of “using up all the internet” when Fortnite glitches for a millisecond.
Shouldn’t all ghosts be naked?? It’s not like your clothes die too…
My job as a father is to purchase a broken old car, put it into my garage, and force my children to deal with it when I die.
I wish I was a bear, I’d be playing with my bear friends in the woods, not stuck in an elevator with these idiots. Am I talking out loud?
Eat local. Your neighbor’s food.
Me: I’m too scared to fly
Therapist: You’re more likely to die from a shark attack than a plane crash
Me: OMG SHARKS CAN FLY?
Me: i want a ferraro
Friend: ferrari?
Me: no just one
Netflix documentaries convinced me I should be vegan. So I did what any American would do. I bought some bacon and canceled Netflix.
The Burger King is good at heart, but his advisors deceive him.
I’m constantly amazed at how different my twin daughters are. Lisa is so much more positive & confident than her sister Hog Face.
blacksmith: hey, so I’ve finished welding those fruity soda cans together like you asked.
me: Fantastick.
They say children are a gift from god. I’m totally wide-open to regifting.
Can I go out and do drugs tonight dad?
EXCUSE ME?!
*sighs* MAY I go out and do drugs tonight dad
*snaps newspaper* that’s better
me: [looking at basketball rim] do you think I can still dunk?
wife: give me back the baby
My wife got an organic, free-range, non-GMO, antibiotic-free turkey for Thanksgiving — and every one of those adjectives added 20 bucks.
The Golden Girls is the most relatable TV show for a millenial, as I too will be renting with several roommates until I’m 80
i hate eating outside, flies looking at you from a distance rubbing their hands together like ‘i’m gonna get me some, as soon as you’re not paying attention’
When this is all over, I’m going to miss only waving at neighbours from a distance.
If they ever invent time travel my dad would still insist on leaving early to avoid traffic
me: I carry a lot of stress right here
masseuse: this is a brain scan
I’ve been texting with “Isla’s mom” for 3 years. When is a good time to ask her her name?
Woman to friend at store: We can get shrimp for people who don’t eat meat!
Me: don’t forget the cheese for the lactose intolerant people!