I missed two of my mom’s calls, so I assume the helicopter that just flew over my house is part of the search crew she called.
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Did I save this free pizza promo code or did it just save me?
*Checks out grocery item*
Grocery item: “I have a boyfriend.”
*goes to the gym*
*takes a selfie & posts it on Facebook for the wife to see*
*hurries to the bar*
girlfriend: I’ll have the chef’s salad
me: [whispering] babe that’s so rude, just order your own
two loaves, one loaf
two elves, one elf
two leaves, one leaf
two hooves, one hoof
two gloves, one glofno more questions
In high school, I was voted Most Likely To Keep Bringing Up Past Achievements.
Me: If I walk 10,000 steps but do it with a dog, has the dog done 20,000 steps since it has twice the legs?
Job interviewer: I meant questions about the company
My boyfriend tried to make me have sex on the hood of his Honda Civic. I refused. If I’m going to have sex, it’s going to be on my own Accord.
5: Mommy, we can eat something if we not allergic?
Me: yep
5:right now?
Me:sure
5:BROTHER! Mom said we can have ice cream!
Me: sonofa…
Wife: an asteroid is on it’s way!
Hubby: Did you order that from Amazon too?
When you’re married, you’re part of a team, there’s checks and balances, two brains are better than one, you guys can bounce ideas off each other.
But being single means never having to explain what you spent $8,345.65 on or why there’s a baby kangaroo living in your house
wife hoping for a normal day: good morning
me: im gonna try to become left handed
The one closest to the sky is most likely to get eaten by the pterodactyl.
I hope I don’t ever have to provide an alibi because I’ll tell the truth but it will sound unbelievable, like: “At 4pm on Thursday? Oh that’s when I was posting a photo of an armadillo.”
Stuffs more popcorn in my face*
Why don’t bad guys in movies just paint the red wire green?
Therapist: What do we say when we’re feeling sad?
Me: I need a drank n’ a tranq.
Therapist: No.
As founder and CEO of YOLO Guaranteed, my first product launch will be fishnet parachutes.
What did watching Cinderella teach us?
7yo:
It taught us that if she had been wearing sensible shoes, she would still be scrubbing floors.
When I get calls from unknown numbers I panic, decline and then wait for the voicemail like I’m about to be murdered.
My 3-year-old dumped pudding in her pocket.
Novice dad reaction: “You ruined your pants.”
Veteran dad: “Thank God. I thought it was poop.”
Boss: Why weren’t you at work last week?
Me: Why are you living in the past?
Not going to any more weddings or funerals. Please keep that in mind, friends who are considering getting married or dying.
Me: I was so happy before I lost my forearms in that shark attack
Therapist: How do you feel now?
Me: With my elbows
This entire pizza told me thigh gaps are for queers.
Yes, I have been awake since 5am. Just not a “productive member of society” level of awake. For that you need to wait until about 11:30am when I will wash up 5 mugs & send an email. Then I’ll get hungry & we’re back to square one.
Benedict Cumberpatch’s full name is Benedictionary Cucumbercabbagepatch.
Thank you for contacting the abyss. Your scream is very important to us.
I suspect in a previous life I was either Napoleon or maybe some socks.
I remember when I was 12, dad caught me smoking a ham; so to teach me a lesson he made me smoke an entire herd of piglets.
Good cop “If you confess maybe we can cut you some sort of deal…”
Crab cop *walks sideways off the table*