I saw a clown doing sit-ups. Funny how things work out.
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Them: You have a weird sense of style
Me: *takes off glasses* Rude
Them: But true
Me: *takes off second pair of glasses* Give me an example
i lost so much hair in the shower i thought Chewbacca had joined me
rumpelstiltskin: you must guess my name or surrender your first born
barista: *under breath* shit
please don’t invite me to your wedding unless you’re registered at arby’s
CHARLIE BROWN: happy thanksgiving!
CHARLIE BROWN’S PARENTS: wah wah wah
CHARLIE BROWN: I cannot believe you said that that’s racist
CHARLIE BROWN’S PARENTS: wah wah wah
CHARLIE BROWN: he’s not my President
CHARLIE BROWN’S PARENTS: wah wah wah
CHARLIE BROWN: I am too your son
That’s it.I’m out.
Dispatcher:
“The call is coming from inside the house!”Me, seconds from murdered:
“I have a landline?”
scrooge: who are you
ghost: i’m the ghost of christmas present
scrooge: so santa claus
ghost: NOT THAT KIND OF PRESENT
I goofily dance over to my pals. Shit. These r strangers. Just… dance past them to my actual friends. Oh no. Help I need 2 find some1 I know
Not to brag but I can forget what I’m doing as I’m doing it
Earth? yeah, I’d hit that -meteor
Direct deposit: $1,400
Me: *wipes my tears away with real Kleenex instead of a stray cat*
Pro tip: fake having telekinesis powers by throwing stuff at people as soon as they’re not looking
*runs into the back of wife’s leg with the grocery cart for the 5th time*
me: We meet agai-
wife: Go wait in the car
me: Ok
Isn’t it weird that we have one hand that knows how to do everything and then one hand that just sits there like ‘idk how to hold a pencil.
When Squidward lost his job and had to stay with Spongebob and he tried to tell Spongebob the TV didn’t work n Spongebob said THAT’S TWO THINGS THAT DON’T WORK 😭😭😭😭
Wait, there’s a big difference.
Did you say I look like THE Rock or did you say I look like A rock?
me: I heard this cemetery was haunted
caretaker: I’ve worked here 173 years and haven’t seen anything
ME: omg I love your accent! Say that again!
MY AUSTRALIAN WIFE: You’re shallow and selfish. I’m leaving you and taking the kids.
Someone on Facebook added me to my high school reunion page and wants volunteers to help with it. I said I’d love to, but I have a pillow that I need to suffocate myself with instead.
Got fired from the duty free store for never showing up which is very misleading and also bullshit.
Away on business, sitting at the hotel bar a hot lady walks over and whispers in my ear, it’s 500 for the night.
*Whispering back. How much for the whole chess set?
Fellas, stop putting rings in our food and let us eat our Crème Brûlée in peace.
I picked the wrong week to start my high altitude balloon tours
Sam was having a great time at the party until someone next to him sneezed.
I’m less popular then mushrooms, because I’m not a fungi
Female giraffes on dating apps be like “Must be at least 20 feet”
kid: mom, have you seen my bag of candy?
mom: i ate it
kid: what?! mom i walked 7 blocks for that
mom: *glaring* i was in labor for day and a half when i had you
kid: oh god no i-
mom: *stepping closer* i pooped on the doctor’s hand
me: they recommend to relieve stress to walk away from your desk to take a walk
boss: ok but you’ve been gone for 4 days