Especially if it’s THAT one … 🤣
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St. Peter: “Spock?”
Leonard Nimoy: “I’m Leonard. Spock was just a character I played on TV.”
St. Peter: “HEY EVERYBODY! IT’S SPOCK!”
turned my music down and some guy in traffic yelled out THANK YOU
One of my worst typos at work… my missing O in hello. Hell there! Kind of changes the niceness of the message. There’s more unfortunately
[runs out of toilet paper]
Me: *picks up cat* sorry, Mittens, desperate times call for desperate measures
I have a drawer in my kitchen full of sauces that are patiently waiting for the big day that I use them
Sick and tired of my bank account taking a hit whenever I buy stuff.
i wanna be one of those basic girls that’s really good at making shark coochie boards or whatever. you know, these.
Here’s a sentence that has stuck with me for 22 years, from a doofy classmate’s story in 8th-grade English: “The werewolf puked and died.”
I just saw a tiktok of Meghan Trainor putting tomato sauce, mozzarella, and pepperoni on a RICE CAKE and called it pizza. Nary a drop of Italian blood in my body but I am not ashamed to admit that I wept.
if you push your belly button and nose at the same time your brain takes a screenshot
Florida be like…
My 5 year old was pretending to leave for work, rode his bike to the end of the driveway and back and said he made $100 so my question is what is this job and where can I find one
Become a parent to discover how angrily you can serve someone crackers.
My life has been so screwed up when there was supposed to be a fork in the road I found a spoon.
Reverse cowgirl, so I can eat my ice cream without sharing.
This Halloween, I’m going as the one thing more unsettling than a serial killer: someone interested in serial killers
You know you’ve ordered too much take-out when they give you three sets of plastic utensils.
The struggle between wanting a hot body or a hot fudge sundae is real.
Him: I’m leaving you
Me: *eating a cantaloupe like an apple* why though
Having a kid means knowing when she asks to watch Mr. Handsome, she means The Little Mermaid.
I don’t understand baby oil what are we greasin up all those babies for
Guy jogging pushing stroller for two kids. But only one there. Don’t think he knows he lost one.
The Pillsbury Doughboy is a goddam monster who sacrifices his own people so that he can get a finger poke.
It’s the weekend y’all
My new driver’s license picture doesn’t look anything like me.
*tapes a little picture of an iPhone over half my face
Now it looks like me.
A guy got beaten up in a local biker bar for trying to order Boone’s Farm strawberry wine.
-tweeted from my hospital bed
Why did Norway put barcodes on their military boats?
So they could…..Scan da Navy in!
Hey! This is your home!
It’s kinda messy… but you’ll get use to that!-my 6yo, welcoming his new baby sister 😂😂💀
this was the best i’ve ever seen
my lawyer: deny everything
me: no